THE MASKED MAN

This article was recommended by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft has been respectfully borrowed from Joseph Mansfield, M.S.W.


At birth, most men are assigned a mask. Because of strong societal and family pressures, the mask is dutifully, and usually permanently, worn. The masks have various names. There is the Macho Warrior mask, the Mr. Reasonable mask, the Nice Guy mask, the Great Fixer of Things mask, and let us not overlook the mask of Mr. Fearless, the Unfeeling. There would be no problem with this "mask" arrangement - if it worked!

It would also be rather nice if men could occasionally wear these masks for short periods of time when the situation called for it. But, like a huge masquerade party where no one dares to be the first to take off the disguise, men cling to their narrowly defined masks.

How do these masks get in the way? Really now, what's wrong with being strong, fearless, and in control? Everyone has to agree that situations do call for different behaviors. However, to fully assess the true, cumulative impact of the "full time" mask, it's necessary to calculate the cost in terms of relationships and health.

To be in a relationship, (especially a personal relationship), with a masked man can be very frustrating. When one feels that they are sharing an intensely personal situation with a man who isn't relating from his heart, or true center, there is a sad feeling of being cheated. To bare one's soul, fears, or dreams to the masked man and to be fed back data, or nuts and bolts rationality, can feel like a real slap in the face to one's basic humanity.

To be hooked up with a Masked Man can, unless one is careful, leave one feeling inferior because of the seeming disparity between their rigidity and apparent strength and one's own basic vulnerability. It is so important to not confuse rigidity with strength. For underneath rigidity, there is a strong core of frailty. It is well hidden, but ultimately must be addressed.

Living up to the John Wayne, Superman,Macho image requires a man to develop a lonely outside act. This outside act rarely works for too long, because underneath, the masked man has a heart, vulnerability and the capacity to feel joy and sorrow. There is an awesome personal toll to be paid for running away from his "more tender" self. The most usual results are fear, confusion, sickness, and heightened rigidity.

Oh! The excuses given for perpetuating this arrangement. It's a dog eat dog world! It's just the masculine burden! If I change, I'll lose everything! I'm too old to try anything different! etc., etc., etc. It's too bad that there are so few role models of sane living for men.

Most role models are men of steel, totally fixed in a mold, and never reflecting any hint of the process of living. Until now, men have been unable to look to each other for support in making corrective changes. This is very sad. Women have been more able to give each other necessary support through times of growth and need.

Where do men go from here? first, men must look at the results of their approach to life. Since so many men eventually turn into interpersonal zombies, the liberating fact is that if a man attempts change, he really is risking very little. It may be scary to stop a 30 or 40 year pattern of superficial carburetor and superbowl talk overnight. But, a slow and steady series of risking small changes will have wonderful results. We all know that there is a warm and loving inner person inside everyone.

Men must stop burying that inner person. To slowly let that person out will be a benefit to all. It's time for men to "show up" for their life's humanity. It's sad when a man dies, and people in his life mirror the standard ending to so many Lone Ranger shows. "Gee, who was that masked man?"

Live In The Present: Enjoy and make the most of it

"Living in the Present" is the theme discussion for tomorrow night's (Thursday 25 August) meeting of our New Plymouth-based Men's group.

This meeting will take place at the Taranaki Disability Information Centre from 7.15 pm until 9.00 pm. All are welcome, and we encourage you to bring a friend.

In the meantime, enjoy this thought provoking article entitled "Living in the Present" written by Remez Sassoon:

Living in the present is to be aware of what is happening to you, what you are doing and what you are feeling and thinking. It is being conscious of your thoughts and focusing them on the present. In this way you look at situations as they are, without colouring them with your past experiences. Living in such a way makes it easier to deal with whatever you are doing at the present moment. You see things as they are, without being influenced by fears, anger, desires or attachments.

Next time you catch yourself thinking idly, watch the thoughts that flow through your mind, what are they? Are you trying to relive the past? Maybe you are reassessing past behaviour or events? Maybe you are thinking how it would have been if you acted differently. Are you enacting past events in your mind? Even thoughts and daydreams about the future are coloured by past experiences.

If your past experiences of relationships were pleasant and positive, that is how you going to think about your future relationships. If the experiences were negative, that is how you are going to visualize your future. It is always the past recreating your life.

You probably think sometimes about what someone told you, how someone treated you, how you did this or that. It is always about the past. You are letting the past captivate you and influence your behaviour. Reliving the past is recreating it constantly. You are not letting change enter your life. It is all right to recreate the past if it was pleasant, but why repeat in your mind if it was unpleasant?

There is a story about two friends travelling by train. One was very nervous, restless and full of complaints the whole trip. He was impatient to reach his destination, and disliked every moment of the trip. He did not pay attention to his surroundings, as his mind was full of impatient, restless and grumpy thoughts.

His friend, on the other hand, enjoyed the scenery, drank a cup of coffee, ate a piece of cake and chatted with the other passengers. He enjoyed every moment the trip. He lived in the present moment and made the most of it. On arrival he was fresh and felt good. His friend, as expected, arrived exhausted, tired and unhappy.

It is a matter of the right attitude. Life becomes a happy and enjoyable trip when the attitude toward it and its events is positive, and the present moment is used in the best possible way.

Living in the present means concentrating on what is happening now, enjoying it and making the most of it.

Do you know how many opportunities are missed due to dwelling on the past, instead of seeing and being conscious of what is happening at the present moment? When our mind is elsewhere we behave like robots, and repeat the same mistakes of the past, do the same things, and then complain that our life is dull and uninteresting.

Wake up to the present moment and live in it. The past happened and passed, so what is the use of reliving it? Do you enjoy reliving it? If it is a pleasant experience that's okay. You may wish to relive it and recreate it in your life. But why repeat the same event again, if it was an unhappy one? Why do you repeat something that has caused you pain?

We are usually unaware of the process of thinking that is going on in our heads. We repeat the same thoughts as a matter of habit. They come and we do not resist them. We welcome them even if they are unpleasant. We get used to our thoughts and habits, even if we do not admit it. In this way they become stronger and more powerful. As our minds recreate our past, we find that the present is always the mirror of the past. Then nothing new happens and we complain that life is always the same, that nothing changes. Weird, foolish, tragic and funny at the same time, isn't it?
By being aware of your thoughts and feelings, it becomes easier to be a little more detached. When you are detached you become able to choose how to react to people, events and circumstances, which can save yourself a lot of inconvenience, trouble and embarrassment.

Living in the present means concentrating on what you are doing each moment.

This develops and strengthens your powers of concentration and attention, which among other things, enhances your ability to study and do your work more quickly and efficiently. Concentrating on what you are doing also helps you to make fewer mistakes and conduct yourself and your affairs in a better way.

You become enslaved by thoughts and emotions and lose your freedom by living in the past, and thinking and visualizing events that have already happened. On the other hand, concentrating on the present moment, on what is happening or what you are doing right now, frees you of unnecessary, burdensome and unpleasant thoughts, and you gain peace of mind.

Stop reading for a moment, and remind yourself of several occasions, when you were engrossed in what you were doing, and believe me, there were a lot of these moments. Did you ever read a book and forgot for a while everything else? Were you engrossed in a pleasant movie, enjoying your hobby or eating very delicious food? In these moments you did not think about anything else. You were happy, calm and content and free from obsessing and futile thoughts. You were concentrating on what you were doing. This is the great power and meaning of living in the present.

Remember, the present moment is very brief. It always turns immediately into the past. The future has not happened. Live in the present.

Constant living and awareness of the present develop a new kind of awareness-consciousness. It is awareness of freedom, of being alive, of happiness and joy. You come to realize the peace, calmness, joy and freedom from thoughts that the mystics talk about. You find out experimentally that what they are talking about is nothing mysterious, mystical or out of this life. You find that this is a most natural and positive state.

 

MEETING: POSITIVE CHANGE THROUGH PERSONAL GROWTH

The common theme of last night’s meeting appeared to be one of ‘positive change through personal growth’. Men in attendance talked openly of their personal growth journeys and how these had brought about changes in their passions and their purposes in life.

Some Men spoke about how they found as they had become more present within the world, they were met by the world in a more confident and respecting way – as though they had been transformed into giants amongst men.

Others described how their priorities had changed (though in the context of the discussion priorities could be translated as passions). One man spoke about how he had come to feel so alive in his life that suddenly his work and career, something that had always been a priority to him, was now simply a means to an end – the mechanism that provided the resources and support that enabled him to live his life, enjoy his relationships and follow his true purposes.

In embracing this theme of ‘positive change through personal growth’ I have adapted the following article from Sustainable Masculinity by Pip Cornall:

One of the main reasons men are learning to change is that they are discovering new and improved relationships with their partners, their children and their workmates.

As men learn emotional competencies they are more sought after as companions and confidents; attracting quality friends because they are more authentic and compassionate.
Numerous studies show that the happiest people are those with the best relationships. Usually this requires good emotional competencies which form the basis of good partnership skills. Above all, these people are happy with themselves. They learn to like and respect their own self first and foremost – and they learn to do this in the here and now.

Here at Becoming Better Men we have learnt that all positive change requires a shift in personal consciousness first. Consciousness can be defined as an awareness and congruency occurring across the five aspects that comprise a human being; namely our physical, mental, emotional, energetic and spiritual layers. Becoming more conscious as men is vital if we are to grow as authentic men and develop strong and positive relationships with other people and the world we live in.

Today many men are working to change themselves and help others which is re-affirming of our universal potential to create a global culture of peace; re-affirming humanity’s ability to adapt and survive.

For men; re-inventing ourselves by becoming authentic and then helping other men to change one at a time is like adding a dropper of dye to a beaker of water, drop by drop, until suddenly all the water turns the same colour with that colour being a metaphor for the new male paradigm, a true partnership paradigm — partnership with men, women and children of all races, partnership with the environment.

Our next meeting

The next meeting of our Men’s Support Group will take place at the Taranaki Disability Information Centre on Young Street in New Plymouth on Thursday August 25, commencing at 7.15 pm and running though to 9.00pm.


All are welcome.


For further information contact either Garth at 021512628 or Craig at 0275020095 

BUSHIDO CODE – THE SAMURAI FOR TODAYS MEN

This article was recommended by Becoming Better Men contributor John Ryan and has been respectfully borrowed from

http://malexperience.com/2011/07/the-bushido-code/ 

Bushido Code, or The Warriors Way, was born in ancient Japan. It was the code the Samurai Warriors  lived by and it has always fascinated western men, as shown vividly in the film ‘The Last Samurai ’.

The Warrior s Way is one of strength and rigour that amazes and frightens them at the same time. Men feel a desire to follow Bushido Code but the western world seems to work against it. The context, particularly of today’s world, does not seem to allow for its existence.

I am fascinated by Bushido Code, in ‘Manhood Maleness Masculinity and the Bushido Code‘ I looked at the martial art of Aikido and the Samurai, about the film ‘The Last Samurai’ I said,

It is an inspiring film that shows us a different way, a way to connect with ourselves and truly understand our connection with others. It shows the traditional ‘masculinity’ of fighting, killing and aggression, but underneath it shows how to recover from a dead existence, how to find your determination and certainty and how to see your own power and strength.

To be fully honoured amongst their peers the Samurai needed to develop self-control and dignity. They showed no sign of pain or joy, but had a calmness and composure that were never affected by passion. This was the warrior s way.

The Samurai’s Bushido Code of behavior looks at how men should be in their personal and professional lives. It builds on thousand-year-old concepts of manhood. The most enlightening aspect is the emphasis on compassion, kindness, and other qualities not traditionally thought of as masculine.

The Bushido Code teaches that men should behave according to an absolute moral standard. What’s right is right, and what’s wrong is wrong. The differences between good and bad and between right and wrong are absolutes in the warrior s way, and a man should know them.

The first aim of the Samurai was to develop character. Intellectual ability was respected, but a Samurai was always a man of action. By choosing compassion over aggression, he demonstrated qualities of character that are an essential part of masculinity.

Simon Graham, the British Consul, said in ‘The Last Samurai’,

They say Japan was made by a sword. They say the old gods dipped a coral blade into the ocean, and when they pulled it out four perfect drops fell back into the sea, and those drops became the islands of Japan. I say, Japan was made by a handful of brave men. Warriors, willing to give their lives for what seems to have become a forgotten word, honour.

Algren, the western Samurai, the Tom Cruise  character, said,

They are an intriguing people. From the moment they wake they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue. I have never seen such discipline. I am surprised to learn that the word Samurai means, ‘to serve’, and that Katsumoto believes his rebellion to be in the service of the Emperor.

What is the Bushido Code and what does The Warriors Way mean for a modern western man?

Bushido Code for The Samurai

Justice

Gi means Justice, or Integrity

Right judgment when judgment is called for. To strike when it is right to strike. To do the right thing at the right time. The use of authority only to uphold what is right is the warriors way.

The Bushido Code means personal integrity as well as professional integrity. Integrity is the strongest principle of Bushido.

The power to decide upon a course of action using reason, without wavering.

This is a trait that we should expect in men, in particular those involved in politics or public service. This sense of justice is often superceded by the idea of doing what’s best for the greater good.

Courage

Yū means Courage or Bravery

To admit your  mistakes. To sacrifice yourself to save someone. To stand up for your decisions. The ability to face danger or hardship and keep your self esteem is the warriors way.

The Bushido Code sees courage only as part of action when doing the right thing. Courage only exists in integrity.

Courage is doing what is right.

Bravery is common amongst many men, but how many show courage? The ability to admit mistakes is an essential quality for men, who often prefer, instead, to cover their tracks and hope they don’t get found out.

Kindness

Jin means Kindness or Compassion

Love, affection for others, sympathy and a strength of mind and character towards other people. To do good, show compassion and be charitable is the warriors way.

The Bushido Code invests a man with the power to command only while showing compassion and mercy.

The highest requirement of a ruler of men is compassion.

Today’s society sets great store by compassion and examples of it abound. Many men see this as weakness and not appropriate to masculinity, on the contrary it shows enormous power.

Politeness

Rei means Politeness or Respect

Courtesy and excellent manners. A sympathy for the feelings of others. To show respect and treat with equality is the warriors way.

The Bushido Code sees that for a man courtesy and good manners are rooted in compassion.  It must not be motivated by a fear of offending good taste.

In its highest form Politeness approaches love.

This form of politeness is not common in western society. It is seen as old fashioned and rather quaint. Men would benefit from a greater understanding of it.

Honesty

Makoto means Honesty or Sincerity

Lying is  cowardly and dishonourable. Your word should be taken as a sign of truthfulness. Honesty, accuracy and precision is the warriors way.

The Bushido Code says that honesty involves abstinence and simplicity. Riches get in the way of understanding so thrift was encouraged to encourage trust and sincerity.

Severe simplicity was required of the warrior class.

How rare is true honesty such as this. We all seem to think it’s OK to lie if it is for a greater good. We shouldn’t tell the truth if it will hurt someone, we are led to believe. What a shift in society there would if we all adhered to this concept of honesty.

Honour

Meiyo means Honour or Nobility

An honourable person is a humble person. Without honour you have no respect and without respect no honour is the warriors way.

The Bushido Code deals with the profession of fighting but it is equally concerned with normal behaviour. A sense of honour, personal dignity and worth characterised the Samurai.

True patience means bearing the unbearable.

I’m not sure we truly understand what honour is today. Honour is supposed to be the most important code for soldiers and yet in today’s world of terrorism anything is thought to be OK. Surely this is wrong and betrays others and ourselves.

Loyalty

Chūgi means Loyalty or Devotion

To be loyal to your family, your masters, your peers and Bushido. Faithful to your family, friends, country, and ideals is the warriors way.

The Bushido Code requires men to remain loyal to those to whom they are indebted. Loyalty to a superior was the most distinctive virtue of the code. Personal fidelity should exist among all men.

Only in the code of Honour does Loyalty assume importance.

Nowadays we feel we can be loyal if there is something in it for us. Loyalty can be bought at a price. Gone are the days when we were loyal to others no matter what. Gone are the days of adherence to a code such as the Bushido Code.

What elements of The Bushido Code for The Samurai have resonance for you?

YOUR PURPOSE MUST COME BEFORE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Every man knows that his highest purpose in life cannot be reduced to any particular relationship. If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence.

Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority.

Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner. The next time you notice yourself "giving in" to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you love her, but you cannot deny your heart's purpose. Tell her that you will spend 30 minutes (or some specific time) with her in absolute attention and total presence, but then you must return to carry on your mission.

Your woman will be more fulfilled with 30 minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn't into it. Time you spend with your woman should be time you really want to be with her more than anything else. If you'd rather be doing something else, she'll feel it. Both of you will be dissatisfied.

From The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida, Chapter 7

First meeting a success!!!! Can't wait till next week

Tonight was the first meeting of our new Men's Group in New Plymouth, and what a success it was.


Tonight's theme was 'letting go the past and living in the present'. The topic stimulated some great discussion and meaningful opportunities for those looking to learn and grow.


At the top of everyone's list for discussion seemed to be the pursuit of 'purpose'. 


SO WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?


DO YOU WANT TO FIND OUT?


If you live in New Plymouth then you have the opportunity to personally join these discussions and experience first hand the transformative power of pursuing your authentic self.


The group will meet again next Thursday 11th August from 7.15pm to 9.00 pm at the Taranaki Disability Information Centre on Young Street (and then fortnightly thereafter).


The group is for Men who have experienced relationship problems, depression, loneliness, bullying, loss and so on. It is also for Men who are just looking for fellowship in a growth environment.



The next meeting will be facilitated by Garth Clarricoats, John Ryan and Dr. Craig Ashcroft and the theme will be a continuation of 'letting go the past and living in the present'


All are welcome.

For further information contact either Garth at 021512628 or Craig at 0275020095  


Of course, if you can't attend these meetings or you live outside of New Plymouth, we invite you to subscribe to this blog and post a comment or two. It would be great to hear from you.