CHRISTMAS: IT CAN BE LONELY FOR SOME - BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

[Posted by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft. see his Blog Site at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/]

At those special times when our communities and families come together there are many people out there, both Men and Women, who are alone. Christmas Day is one of those occasions and for those who are alone on Christmas day, knowing that it is a special day makes the loneliness all the more unbearable.

Loneliness can make us feel like we have no family and very few friends. We can feel invisible to others, and we perceive that people don’t seem interested in getting acquainted with us. When we’re lonely, we often feel sad, and we may wonder why no-one cares about us.

It hurts to feel lonely. Our greatest need as people is to be in loving relationships and when we don't feel connected to others who we care about and who care about us then we feel lonely. And with prolonged loneliness come other problems. For example, we all need to be esteemed and affirmed consistently by others for who we are and what we have to offer. If we're isolated from others then we're unknown and unappreciated.

We also need to share our feelings and receive support. If we don't regularly share our hearts with others then we'll become anxious, worried, and agitated. And we may become fearful and increasingly mistrusting of others.

Increasingly in Western societies evidence indicates that Men are up to five times more likely to experience the physical reality of being alone than Women. And while some of this is due to social circumstance (a relationship breakdown, moving away from home due to work etc), most of it is due to how men choose to respond to those circumstances. Too often we respond by isolating ourselves further, by burying our feelings, or by radiating a sense that ‘all is okay’.

Research has shown that when people talk about feelings of loneliness, their blood pressure rises dramatically for a few minutes, and medical conditions such as heart problems, diabetes and arthritis become worse. Loneliness can also lead to depression, and a depressed Man is four times more likely to develop heart problems than others.

Of course this is the research-based understanding of loneliness and how it affects people. However, what we need to be thinking about is the lived experience of those who, right now in the final few days before Christmas, are looking ahead to a sad and solitary time.

There are things we can all do to help overcome loneliness. If loneliness is a continual problem for you then you need to learn how to build or rebuild meaningful, caring relationships with others. And you may need to focus on your emotional healing and growth by seeking the support of a therapist or support group. However, here are some steps that can help you overcome loneliness – particularly at this time of year:

• Get involved in a social or community group. Even at this time of year it’s not too late – and you need to be where you can meet and get to know other people by having frequent contact with them.
• Join a support group or small group in which there is a stated intention of developing caring relationships. In New Plymouth for example, we host a Men’s Support Group based on the principles that are published on this Blog Site.
• When someone is listening to you, helping you, or caring for you; work at taking it in by agreeing with their care and encouragement and expressing appreciation.
• Keep a journal in which you write down your thoughts, ambitions, hopes and goals.
• Find other people who are lonely and express care for them. Lonely people are not hard to find. Just volunteer your time in a church ministry or community centre and you'll encounter people who need your listening, encouragement, and help.

If you are alone on Christmas day, try:

• Listening to your favourite music. In particular, choose music that is upbeat and positive. For example, I love Pink Floyd – but if I’m lonely, that’s not the music I will choose to listen to – I’d probably go for something ‘light’ like The Beatles or even The Monkeys. They’re not as deep or intense and they’ll definitely help lift my spirit.  
• Visiting someone you know – but let them know you’re coming ahead of time. Most people will want to open up their homes and hearts to you at this special time of year – but not if they feel you’ve forced yourself onto them.
• Going for a walk. There are lots of things to see and do on Christmas day – and many people will be out and about. Going out for a walk will not only improve your wellbeing through fresh air and exercise, it will help by enabling you to experience and share – even at a distance – the joy of others around you in your community.
• Reading an amusing book or watching a funny DVD. Laughter is the cure for all things – it uplifts our spirit and allows us to escape our reality for a while.

For those of you out there who are not alone this Christmas – have a good look around at the people you know. Are they all as lucky as you? What can you do to help alleviate others’ sense of loneliness during this festive season? Here are some ideas based on things I do:

• Adopt an open door policy. I always describe Christmas at my place as an “Orphan’s Christmas”. Now that may not be politically correct – but it helps convey a message of welcome to others in a way that is a little bit amusing, a little bit quaint – but not a bit intimidating. The idea of an Orphan’s Christmas is that we (my partner and I) invite anyone we know of who are going to be away from their families or friends to come and spend the day with us and our family. Every year there’s been someone different – and they’ve always felt welcome and they’ve always enjoyed themselves. I’ve already invited two “Orphans” so far for this Christmas.
• Help out at your local community kitchen – share the wealth of your happiness with others. But remember, leave your sympathy at the door – friendship and laughter is all that is required.
• Go out caroling – but not in your safe, affluent neighbourhoods – do it in your local park or down the main street of your town – places where lonely people who have nowhere else to go are likely to be.

There are lots of things you can do. What’s important is that you go out and do them. I mean, let’s be honest with each other here… do you really want to spend your Christmas with family and friends knowing that someone out there who you know is spending theirs’ alone?

Christmas is for everybody.

On behalf of the team at Becoming Better Men, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

THE MASKED MAN

This article was recommended by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft has been respectfully borrowed from Joseph Mansfield, M.S.W.


At birth, most men are assigned a mask. Because of strong societal and family pressures, the mask is dutifully, and usually permanently, worn. The masks have various names. There is the Macho Warrior mask, the Mr. Reasonable mask, the Nice Guy mask, the Great Fixer of Things mask, and let us not overlook the mask of Mr. Fearless, the Unfeeling. There would be no problem with this "mask" arrangement - if it worked!

It would also be rather nice if men could occasionally wear these masks for short periods of time when the situation called for it. But, like a huge masquerade party where no one dares to be the first to take off the disguise, men cling to their narrowly defined masks.

How do these masks get in the way? Really now, what's wrong with being strong, fearless, and in control? Everyone has to agree that situations do call for different behaviors. However, to fully assess the true, cumulative impact of the "full time" mask, it's necessary to calculate the cost in terms of relationships and health.

To be in a relationship, (especially a personal relationship), with a masked man can be very frustrating. When one feels that they are sharing an intensely personal situation with a man who isn't relating from his heart, or true center, there is a sad feeling of being cheated. To bare one's soul, fears, or dreams to the masked man and to be fed back data, or nuts and bolts rationality, can feel like a real slap in the face to one's basic humanity.

To be hooked up with a Masked Man can, unless one is careful, leave one feeling inferior because of the seeming disparity between their rigidity and apparent strength and one's own basic vulnerability. It is so important to not confuse rigidity with strength. For underneath rigidity, there is a strong core of frailty. It is well hidden, but ultimately must be addressed.

Living up to the John Wayne, Superman,Macho image requires a man to develop a lonely outside act. This outside act rarely works for too long, because underneath, the masked man has a heart, vulnerability and the capacity to feel joy and sorrow. There is an awesome personal toll to be paid for running away from his "more tender" self. The most usual results are fear, confusion, sickness, and heightened rigidity.

Oh! The excuses given for perpetuating this arrangement. It's a dog eat dog world! It's just the masculine burden! If I change, I'll lose everything! I'm too old to try anything different! etc., etc., etc. It's too bad that there are so few role models of sane living for men.

Most role models are men of steel, totally fixed in a mold, and never reflecting any hint of the process of living. Until now, men have been unable to look to each other for support in making corrective changes. This is very sad. Women have been more able to give each other necessary support through times of growth and need.

Where do men go from here? first, men must look at the results of their approach to life. Since so many men eventually turn into interpersonal zombies, the liberating fact is that if a man attempts change, he really is risking very little. It may be scary to stop a 30 or 40 year pattern of superficial carburetor and superbowl talk overnight. But, a slow and steady series of risking small changes will have wonderful results. We all know that there is a warm and loving inner person inside everyone.

Men must stop burying that inner person. To slowly let that person out will be a benefit to all. It's time for men to "show up" for their life's humanity. It's sad when a man dies, and people in his life mirror the standard ending to so many Lone Ranger shows. "Gee, who was that masked man?"