CHRISTMAS: IT CAN BE LONELY FOR SOME - BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

[Posted by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft. see his Blog Site at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/]

At those special times when our communities and families come together there are many people out there, both Men and Women, who are alone. Christmas Day is one of those occasions and for those who are alone on Christmas day, knowing that it is a special day makes the loneliness all the more unbearable.

Loneliness can make us feel like we have no family and very few friends. We can feel invisible to others, and we perceive that people don’t seem interested in getting acquainted with us. When we’re lonely, we often feel sad, and we may wonder why no-one cares about us.

It hurts to feel lonely. Our greatest need as people is to be in loving relationships and when we don't feel connected to others who we care about and who care about us then we feel lonely. And with prolonged loneliness come other problems. For example, we all need to be esteemed and affirmed consistently by others for who we are and what we have to offer. If we're isolated from others then we're unknown and unappreciated.

We also need to share our feelings and receive support. If we don't regularly share our hearts with others then we'll become anxious, worried, and agitated. And we may become fearful and increasingly mistrusting of others.

Increasingly in Western societies evidence indicates that Men are up to five times more likely to experience the physical reality of being alone than Women. And while some of this is due to social circumstance (a relationship breakdown, moving away from home due to work etc), most of it is due to how men choose to respond to those circumstances. Too often we respond by isolating ourselves further, by burying our feelings, or by radiating a sense that ‘all is okay’.

Research has shown that when people talk about feelings of loneliness, their blood pressure rises dramatically for a few minutes, and medical conditions such as heart problems, diabetes and arthritis become worse. Loneliness can also lead to depression, and a depressed Man is four times more likely to develop heart problems than others.

Of course this is the research-based understanding of loneliness and how it affects people. However, what we need to be thinking about is the lived experience of those who, right now in the final few days before Christmas, are looking ahead to a sad and solitary time.

There are things we can all do to help overcome loneliness. If loneliness is a continual problem for you then you need to learn how to build or rebuild meaningful, caring relationships with others. And you may need to focus on your emotional healing and growth by seeking the support of a therapist or support group. However, here are some steps that can help you overcome loneliness – particularly at this time of year:

• Get involved in a social or community group. Even at this time of year it’s not too late – and you need to be where you can meet and get to know other people by having frequent contact with them.
• Join a support group or small group in which there is a stated intention of developing caring relationships. In New Plymouth for example, we host a Men’s Support Group based on the principles that are published on this Blog Site.
• When someone is listening to you, helping you, or caring for you; work at taking it in by agreeing with their care and encouragement and expressing appreciation.
• Keep a journal in which you write down your thoughts, ambitions, hopes and goals.
• Find other people who are lonely and express care for them. Lonely people are not hard to find. Just volunteer your time in a church ministry or community centre and you'll encounter people who need your listening, encouragement, and help.

If you are alone on Christmas day, try:

• Listening to your favourite music. In particular, choose music that is upbeat and positive. For example, I love Pink Floyd – but if I’m lonely, that’s not the music I will choose to listen to – I’d probably go for something ‘light’ like The Beatles or even The Monkeys. They’re not as deep or intense and they’ll definitely help lift my spirit.  
• Visiting someone you know – but let them know you’re coming ahead of time. Most people will want to open up their homes and hearts to you at this special time of year – but not if they feel you’ve forced yourself onto them.
• Going for a walk. There are lots of things to see and do on Christmas day – and many people will be out and about. Going out for a walk will not only improve your wellbeing through fresh air and exercise, it will help by enabling you to experience and share – even at a distance – the joy of others around you in your community.
• Reading an amusing book or watching a funny DVD. Laughter is the cure for all things – it uplifts our spirit and allows us to escape our reality for a while.

For those of you out there who are not alone this Christmas – have a good look around at the people you know. Are they all as lucky as you? What can you do to help alleviate others’ sense of loneliness during this festive season? Here are some ideas based on things I do:

• Adopt an open door policy. I always describe Christmas at my place as an “Orphan’s Christmas”. Now that may not be politically correct – but it helps convey a message of welcome to others in a way that is a little bit amusing, a little bit quaint – but not a bit intimidating. The idea of an Orphan’s Christmas is that we (my partner and I) invite anyone we know of who are going to be away from their families or friends to come and spend the day with us and our family. Every year there’s been someone different – and they’ve always felt welcome and they’ve always enjoyed themselves. I’ve already invited two “Orphans” so far for this Christmas.
• Help out at your local community kitchen – share the wealth of your happiness with others. But remember, leave your sympathy at the door – friendship and laughter is all that is required.
• Go out caroling – but not in your safe, affluent neighbourhoods – do it in your local park or down the main street of your town – places where lonely people who have nowhere else to go are likely to be.

There are lots of things you can do. What’s important is that you go out and do them. I mean, let’s be honest with each other here… do you really want to spend your Christmas with family and friends knowing that someone out there who you know is spending theirs’ alone?

Christmas is for everybody.

On behalf of the team at Becoming Better Men, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

CHAPTER 2: LIVE WITH AN OPEN HEART EVEN IF IT HURTS

Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man's true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place.

Imagine failing at a major project, lying to your woman and getting caught, or overhearing her joke about your shortcomings in bed. How do you react with your body, breath, and eyes? Notice if you react to a person or situation that hurts you by withdrawing, hiding, or closing in on yourself. Notice if there are times when you find it difficult to look into someone's eyes, or times when your chest and solar plexus become tense and contracted.

These are signs of an unskillful reaction to hurt. Contracted and closed in on yourself, you are unable to act. You are trapped in your own self-protective tension, no longer a free man.

The superior man practices opening during these times of

automatic closure. Open the front of your body so your chest and solar plexus are not tense. Sit or stand up straight and full, opening the front of your body, softening your chest and belly, wide and free. Breathe down through your chest and solar plexus, deep into your belly. Look directly into the eyes of whomever you are with, feeling your own pain as well as feeling the other person.

Only when the front of your body is relaxed and opened, your breath full and deep, and your gaze unguarded and directly connected with another person's eyes, can your fullest intelligence manifest spontaneously in the situation. To act as a superior man, a samurai of relationship, you must feel the entire situation with your whole body. A closed body is unable to sense subtle cues and signals, and therefore unable to act with mastery in the situation.

THE VALUE OF HUMANITY: WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

Think about this statement for a moment:

If there was another species on our planet that was as violent to humans as humans are to themselves, we’d hunt it down and bring it to the verge of extinction because that’s what we do – that’s what makes us human.

See Dr. Craig Ashcroft's interesting article at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-is-value-of-humanity-and-why-do-we.html

JOHN RYAN SHARES HIS FAVOURITE DAVID DEIDA QUOTES

John Ryan, founder of the Savita Education Trust (see http://savitacentre.yolasite.com) and regular contributor to Becoming Better Men has provided a selection of some of his favourite David Deida quotes. We hope you find some value in these:

"Trust, love, what we call sexy, who we trust in a business situation, are all based on how open we are. Openness is bodily openness, muscular relaxation, heart openness as opposed to hiding behind some emotional wall, and spiritual openness, which is actually feeling so fully into the moment that there's no separation between you and the entire moment."
From "Opening Spiritually and Sexually"

"You need to feel your man's trustable presence before you will open your heart and body without guard. It's a step-by-step process of learning. He learns to be more present, you learn to be more open."
From "Finding God Through Sex"

"One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax".
David Deida

"Spiritual practice is the capacity to offer your love even when you feel hurt, closed down, tense, angry, misunderstood, or hated." David Deida

"One misunderstanding is that if you do the right thing, then life's storms will stop. If you do the right thing, the storms actually get bigger. This is because they know they can't blow you down like they used to, and now it's going to take a lot more energy to find out if you are conscious."
From "At Your Edge: Spiritual and Sexual Wisdom for Men”

"As a body in a world, here is our choice: we can be more loving or less loving. That's it. We can relax as the entire moment's show of love's swirl, feeling open as all--a vicious rainstorm, tweeting birds, our lover's lips, a sense of worthlessness--or we can close to some aspect of experience, pulling away as if we were separate."
From "Waiting To Love"

"Masculine anger is always because you are feeling constrained, trapped by life. Feminine anger is always because you are feeling unloved."
David Deida

"Men who have lived significant lives are men who never waited: not for money, security, ease, or women."
David Deida

"The simplicity of it is this: give everything you have to give in every moment, completely."
David Deida

The trick is not to change yourself. The trick is to become comfortable with yourself.

THE ANNOYING THINGS THAT MEN DO: A LIGHT HEARTED POST

Regular contributor and founder of the Savita Education Trust John Ryan found this amusing article at:

http://malexperience.com/2011/11/10-annoying-things-men/

As much as we think the article has an air of humour about it, we also thought that there were some valuable messages in there too. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

10 Annoying Things That Men Do (Or Are They Endearing?)

Men make up around half the population and the other half seem to get annoyed by them most of the time.

What is it that men do that is so annoying?


Maybe you love men and find their little habits endearing and lovable? Here are the habits that I see that women find difficult to take:


1. Men Turn Off Their Brains!

This is something my wife still finds extraordinary. She knows I do it and she, now, understands it’s a necessary part of men focusing, but she, somehow, can’t quite believe it. I just switch off from whatever I am doing, or whatever is happening and go into space, or my ‘nothing box’.



One of the great qualities that men have is their ability to focus and be directed in what they do. I suppose it comes from man as hunter when he needed to focus for hours, or days, on catching his prey. Much of the work and achievement of men comes from this narrow view. Having spent all day doing this, men just want to empty out when they get home and think of absolutely nothing.



Advice For Men:
Think about when you do this. Does your partner need some attention? Could you do this another time? Have you explained what’s happening to your partner?

 2. Men Are So Bound Up In Their Ego!

OK, it’s true! Men are bound up in their ego! The classic story from all women, it seems, is the one where the man is driving and reading the map (because we all know women can’t!) but still manages to get lost. He drives around for hours saying that he knows he is almost there. The problem is he doesn’t stop and ask directions from people around, that would mean admitting he is lost.


Men are bound up in their masculinity, or lack of it. They live by power and strength and they believe in hierarchy. The pecking order is achieved by winning small battles on the road to success. This only happens if men refuse to admit defeat. He plays the game of chicken in life. The first one to falter loses. Road rage is a classic case of this.


Advice For Men:
Is this really necessary for you? It is important to choose your battles and not let life be one great battle, with yourself or others. Let go of your ego and let life flow.


3. Men are selfish and detached!

It’s true that men detach, but the idea that they are selfish is one that isn’t true, generally. John Gray in his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women from Venus’, talks about an elastic band that draws men away from emotional commitment and bounces them back in again. I prefer the idea of a rhythm of masculinity where men fluctuate in their emotional connection.


I know my emotional connection to my wife seems to grow stronger and weaker over time. This is not, however, because there is any variation in the connection itself, it’s because my mind and attention can only hold so much at any one time. My focus goes on whatever project I am working on and I need to drag myself back to be attentive emotionally. It’s all bound up with the logical male brain, solutions come before emotions.


Advice For Men:
Be aware that you are doing this. When your partner accuses you of being distant accept that it may be true. Find time every day to bring yourself back to her and connect with her emotionally. Let your work for a time.

4. Men Snore!
Guilty as charged. I do it and I wake up the whole household when I do it. My father was a bad case as well. I remember that my mother used to get up very early in the morning when she could stand it no more. She could always be found downstairs in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea when she should have been in bed.


It is a fact that men do it far more than women and that most men seem to have no idea what to do about it, other than annoy their partner.


I have solved it, however, much to my wife’s relief. I went to the doctor who sent me to a specialist. I did a sleep test at the hospital and was diagnosed with ‘Obstructive Sleep Apnoea ’. What this means is that I am on the verge of dying every few minutes when I am ‘asleep’ because my airway closes. That explained my tiredness and irritability. I now use a CPAP (Constant Positive Air Pressure) machine that gently blows air into my nose and keeps my airway open. No more snoring, much better dreaming.


Advice For Men:
Don’t just accept it, go to a doctor and get it seen to. The difference for me was transformational. I thoroughly recommend it.


5. Men Read On The Toilet!
Why do men do this? I have no answer other than they do. I know I do. Maybe I want to detach from what I am doing, maybe I want escape from the outside world, maybe I am just bored sitting there. I don’t get bored easily but I don’t spend a lot of time doing nothing. I enjoy reading in the ‘loo’. In my earlier years I had a collection of joke books in there that could be read in small bites.


Advice For Men:
Don’t believe that this is a problem. Enjoy yourself but make sure your partner doesn’t need to urgently go while you are spending hours in there.


6. Men Are So Logical!

Isn’t it great? Aren’t you relieved that at least someone is logical! How would you get on in life if everyone just dived in and followed their intuitive response.

Men are reputed to be more left-brained, more linear in their thinking. On average this may seem to be true because much of the work that men do is linear and logical. This view denies the large numbers of creative men for whom ideas and concepts are the currency of their mind. I find that in my working, and thinking, life I am both. I love logic and studied maths as a result. Yet I found that in studying maths it was the wild, conceptual side of pure maths that I loved.

Advice For Men:
This is OK, for you. Don’t expect others to think logically as well, though. In particular don’t expect women to be logical and don’t criticise them when they aren’t.


7. Men Are Always Solving Problems!
Men don’t even realise they’re doing this, they think it’s how everyone behaves. They see life as a series of problems to be solved one by one. Men create success at work by solving problems and finding new ways to do things.


I have created enormous success in my life by being a great problem solver. I worked in the theatre and in architectural lighting design and I succeeded by being creative in my problem solving. In many ways I see creativity as just another way of looking at a situation, another way of solving a problem. Many women find this behaviour extremely annoying and hate that men see their personal life in the same way they see their working life.


Advice For Men:
Try not to see all of life this way. Often your partner just wants to talk so that you listen, just listen. She doesn’t want her issues solved, they’re not problems for her. She only wants acknowledgement.


8. Men Scratch Their Balls!
We scratch our balls! We can’t deny it!

Women find it offensive and rude. Often they also find it far too suggestive. The truth is they cannot understand why we spend so much time scratching. They accuse us of having to keep checking that they are still there… of being obsessed with them.


The truth is they have no idea what it’s like having your ‘crown jewels’ hanging around between your legs. I know there is a good physical reason why we were designed this way, but I am sure god could have done a better job of it. You see they get caught in awkward ways, they end up in uncomfortable positions, they get squashed and pushed around. Every time we walk or sit or stand or move or…. they move and get caught. They itch, they feel sensitive, they are just a nuisance outside of sex. We have to live with them all the time, though.


Advice For Men:
Be discreet about it. Don’t do it publicly. Try to consider the sensibilities of the women you are with. I know they’re awkward, just get over it.


9. Men Have Facial Hair!
Men grow hair in places they’d sooner not. As they get older it starts sprouting out of ears and nose and…


I have had a beard for most of my life and I am proud of it. I do, however, keep it, and the rest, trimmed. Well sort of… Do you know what it’s like scraping a razor across your face every day? I have better things to do so I grow a beard. It also makes me look distinguished!


There is going too far, though. The Archbishop of Canterbury (see picture) needs to be introduced to a barber, at least. In my view he takes his manly growth a little too seriously, especially the eyebrows, it really is possible to trim them.


Advice For Men:
It’s OK to be proud of your beard or moustache, but do consider trimming them. Just imagine what it’s like for a woman to be scratched and scraped whenever you want to show affection.


10. Men Are So Scruffy!
This really is my pet peeve! Men seem to think that it is manly to be scruffy. Somehow walking around in the clothes he has slept in seems to be the height of fashion for many men. They also seem to think that a 40 year old with a beer belly can still look smart in jeans and tee shirt. It’s time for men to grow up and realise that fashion is not just for women.

It’s so common to see a wide gap between men and women when they are out together. Mostly women look smart, clean, tidy and well presented. The man with her often has no idea that he looks like a slob beside her. He’s wearing worn jeans, his shirt is hanging out, his jersey is shapeless, as for the stained baseball cap or hat…

Being fashionable is fine, being out of date is not.


Advice For Men:
Look at yourself in the mirror before you go out. Do you look good? Look at your partner, how smart is she? Do you set her off, will you make her proud of you? When your clothes become shapeless throw them out.

NOTE: This article is not an original post by Becoming Better Men. It has been respectfully borrowed from http://malexperience.com/2011/11/10-annoying-things-men/

Stop Hoping for a Completion of Anything in Life

Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done. They think, "If I can work enough, then one day I could rest." Or, "One day my woman will understand something and then she will stop complaining." Or, "I'm only doing this now so that one day I can do what I really want with my life" The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way. They won't. It never ends. As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift.

It's never going to be over, so stop waiting for the good stuff. As of now, spend a minimum of one hour a day doing whatever you are waiting to do until your finances are more secure, or until the children have grown and left home, or until you have finished your obligations and you feel free to do what you really want to do. Don't wait any longer. Don't believe in the myth of "one day when everything will be different." Do what you love to do, what you are waiting to do, what you've been born to do, now.

Spend at least one hour a day doing whatever you simply love to do—what you deeply feel you need to do, in your heart—in spite of the daily duties that seem to constrain you. However, be forewarned: you may discover that you don't, or can't, do it; that, in fact, your fantasy of your future life is simply a fantasy.

Most postponements are excuses for a lack of creative discipline. Limited money and family obligations have never stopped a man who really wanted to do something, although they provide excuses for a man who is not really up to the creative challenge

in the first place. Find out today whether you are willing to do what it takes to give your gift fully. As a first step, spend at least an hour today giving your fullest gift, whatever that is for today, so that when you go to sleep at night you know you couldn't have lived your day with more courage, creativity, and giving.

In addition to the myth that one day your life will be fundamentally different, you may believe, and hope, that one day your woman will be fundamentally different. Don't wait. Assume she's going to be however she is, forever. If your woman's behavior or mood is truly intolerable to you, you should leave her, and don't look back (since you cannot change her). However, if you find her behavior or mood is merely distasteful or a hassle, realize that she will always seem this way: The feminine always seems chaotic and complicated from the perspective of the masculine.

The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer (fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way (whatever you filled in the blank with). Embrace her, or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring an end to that which pisses you off. Practice love instead of trying to bring an end to the quality that bothers you. You can't escape the tussle with the feminine. Learn to find humor in the unending emotional drama the feminine seems to enjoy so much. The love that you magnify may realign her behavior, but your effort to fix her and your frustration never will.

The world and your woman will always present you with unforeseen challenges. You are either living fully, giving your gift in the midst of those challenges, even today, or you are waiting for an imaginary future which will never come. Men who have lived

significant lives are men who never waited: not for money, security, ease, or women.

Feel what you want to give most as a gift, to your woman and to the world, and do what you can to give it today. Every moment waited is a moment wasted, and each wasted moment degrades your clarity of purpose.

ENVIRONMENT, FOCUS AND CLARITY AS INGREDIENTS FOR ACHIEVING PURPOSE

As seen on Dr. Craig Ashcroft's site at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/2011/11/environment-focus-and-clarity.html

The Environment we build around us can be our biggest barrier to achieving happiness, growth and authenticity. This is because it is a major determinant of our behaviour because our journey through it is intertwined with its design. It’s kind of like the lab-mouse in the maze we have built whereby the doorways, walls, and stairways determine which way the mouse travels and ultimately, the destination it reaches. In the same way, the environment we build for ourselves will always determine where we are going and where we end up. There is no denying that our environment plays a critical role in shaping our destiny.

So the best thing we can do with our environment is set about to create a sense of order about it. We need to learn to control and shape our environment – not let it control and shape us. Most critically, we need to draw on our imagination to create and build an environment that will best support our journey towards achieving our Life’s Purpose. We need to clear our path so that we can see where we are going.

Part of recreating our environment so as to create a clear and purpose-felt pathway to growth and authenticity is developing our focus. The more we develop our focus, the more we will see what it is that we want. If we are focused, our environment becomes less chaotic and confusing – more controlled and deliberate – and this further enhances the journey we are taking. The less confusion we experience, the more on path we can be.

Here’s a hint: confusion comes about when you try to figure out how you are going to get to your goal before you clearly know what your goal is.

Clarity is also an extremely important trait to bring into your environment. It helps when you find yourself stressed, confused and overwhelmed. When you are feeling like this, stop! Take a breathe… a little time out and ask yourself:

1. What is it I Really Want? What is my Purpose?

2. Where is it I need to go? Is it Clear to me?

3. How am I going to get there? Is my Environment right?

4. Who do I need to be?

This last point - Knowing who you are - stops you from identifying with the role you are playing and enables you to choose the roles and qualities in those you admire around you. This will not only allow you to stay firmly focused on your purpose, it will enhance it. It will help you know the type of person you need to be at every stage of your journey, enabling you to develop and hone those skills you require like an artist with wielding a brush. It enables you to create the Life you want to live.

SPREADING THE MESSAGE FURTHER: ANOTHER BLOGSITE FOR YOU TO VISIT

At Becoming Better Men we believe that the more avenues there are for getting the message out about how to be Authentic, the better.


One of our regular contributors and a founding member of Becoming Better Men, Dr. Craig Ashcroft, has begun his own Blog just for that reason.


Dr. Ashcroft advocates advancing the role of Men in the World: in their relationships, families and communities. As a regular contributor to Becoming Better Men Dr. Ashcroft believes that it is the responsibility and purpose of all Men to become the best version of themselves that they can be: to strive to be an Authentic Man.


Visit Dr. Ashcroft's Blog at http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/

HOW TO BE AUTHENTIC: FIRST STEPS - An Introduction

[Article by Dr. Craig Ashcroft http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-be-authentic-first-steps.html]

Our actions affect those around us and largely determine how our life is shaped. It is important that we recognise and accept that we are inseparable from the events and situations in our life. When we see and appreciate our connection to the world around us, we can begin to understand the control that we actually have over our own destiny.

Integrity and Character go hand in hand:

Character is the sum total of the result of all the choices and decisions we have made in our lives to date. It is about the relationship that we have with ourselves that is projected outwardly for others to see.

Integrity is the measure used to express our adherence to the moral principles and core values that we have set for ourselves. This adherence is identified by others as honesty, wholeness, trustworthiness and respectability.

Combining these two critical traits and projecting a character that is elevated by a conviction to sound principles and wholesome values is indeed our only pathway to true happiness.

The important point to be made here is that, in Shakespearean terms, if we cannot be true to thy selves then we cannot be true to others.

In order to be true to ourselves we need to:

• Realise and embrace our connection to the world around us; to our Environment. But we need to do this not from an observational and separatist perspective bit from an entirely immersed and unified way that enables us to take total responsibility for our Life and actions.
• Love, honour and Respect ourselves for the amazing beings that we are and to live up to our Integrity measures: our core Values, Principles, Ideals and Truths.

Another critical part of being true to ourselves is recognising that because our connection to the world largely determines how our life is shaped, we often try and fight against that connection rather than accept or even embrace it. We tend to do this in four primary ways:

• Repression: we put our efforts into push our experiences back. A good example of this is the proverbial “hiding our problems under the carpet” cliché.
• Projection: we choose to project negative or avoidance qualities onto the people around us. This is often exemplified as blame – “They didn’t give me the job although I was best qualified because they didn’t want someone who was male/black/short/gay/straight/etc”; i.e. it can’t have been anything you had done.
• Delusion: we ignore reality and opt to live in a make believe world manifested from misguided beliefs and perceptions. The most extreme end example of this is the stereotypical conspiracy theorist who believes they are best to withdraw and disengage from society because ‘someone’ is out to get them.
• Denial: we refuse to face Truths or Reality about the segments of our Lives and of our Selves that we feel are undesirable. This is the major single cause of mental and psychosomatic illness. Denial is like lying to ourselves. 

Let’s conduct a small exercise. I want you grab some paper and a pen (if you keep a Journal which I recommend you so – use that). Now I want you to ask yourself “What is it in my Life That I am Not Facing?”

Write down all the ideas, thoughts and feelings that go running through your head as you contemplate this.

Now sit back, read and interrogate what you have written. Are you ready to discover what it is in Life that is holding you back? Are you ready to accept that most of it is probably, most likely, to be YOU? Are you willing to take the required steps to address this – to become an agent of change?

It takes Courage to face your self-doubts, uneasiness and fears. But the only solution is to face them head on. Stop procrastinating. Move towards resolving your self-doubts, uneasiness and fears and you will be unstoppable.

Regular contributor John Ryan borrows from Osho (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) to talk about 'friendliness'

So far on this Blog site we’ve talked about being authentic, discovering your core values, sharing important and meaningful issues with other Men, and accepting heartfelt challenge.

One question that keep arising in all this is about the nature of friendships and more importantly:

What is real, authentic friendliness?

According to regular Becoming Better Men contributor John Ryan, this is a somewhat complex and difficult question to answer. From John’s perspective, we need understand a few other things first before we can understand what real authentic friendliness is.

The first is friendship – or more precisely, the distinction between friendship and friendliness.

According to John, friendship is love without any physiological/sexual underpinning to it. But de draws a distinction even here – asserting that it is not the friendship that you understand ordinarily — the boyfriend, the girlfriend type friendship. For as John argues; to use the word friend in any way associated with physiology/sexuality is sheer stupidity. This is more about impulse and infatuation than it is about friendship.

John points out that if you act in friendship from this physiological/sexual space and reach the conclusion that you are in love - you are wrong. All you are experiencing is little more than a hormonal attraction. And the important factor here is that your chemistry can be changed and when this happens, this superficial hormonal experience that you have chosen to identify as love will also disappear.

So to reiterate, John says that friendship is love without any physiological/sexual underpinning to it – and this has become a rare phenomenon.

Too often in today’s world friendship is understood either in physiological/sexual terms, economic terms, or in sociological terms — or in terms of acquaintance, a kind of acquaintance. But John asserts that friendship in a true sense means that if the need arises you will be ready even to sacrifice yourself in the name of friendship. Friendship means that you are willing to make somebody else more important than yourself. In this sense, friendship is not a transaction, an exchange of bodily fluids or a communal relationship - it is love in its purity.

And achieving true friendship is possible even the way you are now. Even unconscious people can have such a friendship. And as you become more conscious of your being, true friendship starts turning into friendliness.

Friendliness has a wider connotation than friendship by itself. Friendship can be broken, the friend can turn into an enemy. That possibility remains intrinsic in the very fact of friendship.

For example, John reminds us of the Machiavellian idea: “Never tell anything to your friend which you would not be able to say to your enemy, because the person who is a friend today may turn into an enemy tomorrow”. He also reverses this to suggest that we should never say anything against our enemy, because our enemy can equally turn into a friend tomorrow.

From John’s perspective, Machiavelli is giving us a very clear insight: that our ordinary love can change into hate, our friendship can become enmity any moment. This is the unconscious state of man — where love is hiding hate just behind it, where you can hate the same person you love but not be aware of it.

Friendliness becomes possible only when you are real, you are authentic, and you are absolutely aware of your being. When you are in this space and love arises, it will be friendliness.

So back to the original question: “What is real authentic friendliness?”

It will need a great transformation in you to receive a taste of authentic friendliness. As you are, friendliness is a faraway star. You can have a look at the faraway star, you can have a certain intellectual understanding of its extistence; but it will remain only an intellectual understanding, not an existential taste.

And according to John, unless you have an existential taste of friendliness it will be very difficult, almost impossible, to make a distinction between friendship and friendliness. Friendliness is the purest thing you can conceive about love. It is so pure that you cannot even call it a flower, you can only call it a fragrance which you can feel, sense and experience - but you cannot catch hold of. It is there, your nostrils are full of it, your being is surrounded by it. You feel the vibe, but there is no way to catch hold of it; the experience is so big and so vast and your hands are too small.

As John stated at the outset: the question is very complex. But this not because of the question itself, but because of you. You are not yet at the point from where friendliness can become an experience. Be real, be authentic and you will know the purest quality of love — just a fragrance of love surrounding you always. And that quality of the purest love is friendliness.

Once Gautam Buddha was asked, “Does the enlightened man have friends?” and he said, “No.” The questioner was shocked because he was thinking the man who is enlightened must have the whole world as his friend. But Gautam Buddha is right, because the enlightened man cannot have friends because he cannot have enemies. They both come together.

Friendliness is unfocused, unaddressed love. It is not any contract, spoken or unspoken. It is not from one individual to another individual; it is from one individual to the whole of existence, of which man is only a small part, because trees are included, animals are included, rivers are included, mountains are included, stars are included. Everything is included in friendliness.

OUR CHOICES: THEY CAN HAVE UNLIMITED POTENTIAL OR THEY CAN TIE US DOWN

[By Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

As we have discussed before on this Blog site, we all wear a Mask. We wear our Mask every time we communicate with those around us – even those closest to us: our partners and loved ones.

Generally our Mask is made up of our life experiences, our education and our upbringing; and it exists as a representation of how these three factors have shaped our perception of life.

We use our Mask to communicate to the world around us, to radiate a misconception of who we truly are and as such; our Mask becomes our primary excuse for avoiding our responsibilities and not fulfilling our purpose in this life. It becomes something we hide behind.

What would it be like if we could remove our Masks? What would it be like if we could communicate as men from the heart in an inspired way?

Let us look at this a little deeper by asking ourselves; “how can we be truly Authentic?”

The true answer to this can be a little disheartening; we can never be truly authentic – it is an unattainable goal.

However, we can pursue a path that enables us to become more and more Authentic in our Life; to strive for personal growth, to expand our horizons of experience and knowledge, and to aim at becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be.  

But we need to learn how to remove our Mask/s and wear only ourselves so that this becomes the representation of who we are in the world. If we do this, then our ‘True Face’, used in the correct way, can become a powerful tool that we can use to communicate with others, experience massive growth potential and fulfil our own life’s purpose. In this sense, our True Face becomes our primary vehicle of expression.

But even if we are wearing our True Face, our growth and who we continue to be is still determined by our experiences, education and perception of life. In this sense, even our own True Face can become a Mask: a static and false representation of who we are.

Look around you at the most authentic men you know – even they sometimes get caught up in the notion that their True Face is their the sole expression of who they are and that all that they can ever be is stated in that fixed image in time. In other words, even the best of us fall into the trap of allowing our projected selves to be expressed through the misrepresentation of a Mask.

So as much as we strive for authenticity, we must always be aware that if we do not keep ourselves in check, we may only be discarding one set of Masks for another. Therefore, in our eternal quest to be as authentic as we can be; we need to remain vigilant and be aware that the pathway to being authentic is not as straight, narrow and illuminated as we might like it to be.

Our biggest challenge in our quest to be as authentic as we can be is that with every step we take we have CHOICES. This is what sets us apart from all other living things – that as humans we understand consequence and can make choices in relation to those potential consequences. And as much as having the ability to make consequential choices is something that we should embrace as a gift, we should never forget that this gift can limit our possibilities too.

One Men’s Group facilitator I spent time with a while back used to tell us that “Awareness gave us Choice, and this was a great and powerful thing”. In many ways he is right. If we lose our Masks and allow ourselves to masters of our own destiny (in other words, if we become aware) then it stands to reason that we can now make sensible and informed choices about our growth potential – our pathway to becoming our most authentic selves.

The only problem with this position is that it relies on the assumption that in our state of ‘awareness’, we will always make sensible and powerful choices – the right choices. And here lies the problem. Do you see it?

With every choice we make there is a different consequence – and each consequence requires a different response. And how have we always responded to the consequences of our choices in the past? By putting on our Masks.

I’m sorry – the road to becoming as authentic as you can be was never meant to be easy and anyone who tells you it is is misguided themselves.

But while the road is not smooth, straight, narrow and sign-posted; it is not impossible to follow either. We can make choices and still wear our True Face – we just have to constantly reflect upon ourselves and the choices we make; and we should always look to those around us who offer to support us through heartfelt challenge.

In summary, we need to know that:

• Our choices can and do provide new opportunities for growth and change;
• But those same choices can also limit our opportunities for growth and change;
• However, it is not our choices that limit us but rather, the way we respond to them or apply them to our daily lives;
• If we express our choices with our True Face on, the potential for growth and change is limitless;
• If we express our choices behind the façade of a Mask, we inhibit our potential;
• The ultimate choice we have in making our choices is deciding whether we proceed wearing our True Face or a Mask.

Here is a simple rule to help guide you:

Anything expressed through a Mask is superficial

Anything expressed wearing our True Face is sincere, honest, heartfelt and has unlimited potential.

And you do want to make choices that are sincere, honest, heartfelt and have unlimited potential don’t you?

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095. Alternatively, subscribe to our Blog and post a comment.

12 GREAT PRINCIPLES TO ADD TO YOUR LIFE

[By Becoming Better Men contributors Dr. Craig Ashcroft, John Ryan and Garth Clarricoats]

As promised, this post provides examples of some great principles to add to your life to help you on your journey of growth.

We recommend that you incorporate these principles into your everyday life and document any changes you experience in a journal that can become a testimony to your growth and change.

1. Appreciate the positive qualities of the Masculine. It is time for you to step up and claim the right to be present. You should be proud to be a man and you should always maintain a high self worth that is not limited by what others may think or by why you perceive others may think.

2. Be aware of any suppression of your emotion. Be determined to drive yourself beyond your limits while maintaining realistic expectations that encourage you towards success. It’s time to let go of the shackles of fear, failure and inadequacy.

3. Be present with other Men who are going through life challenges. Get in touch with your feelings and develop your ability to communicate. Do not be afraid to express your needs and always be open to asking others for assistance. Accept Heartfelt Challenges from those around you and use those challenges to advance your cause.

4. Open yourself up in times of challenge and confrontation or when you are feeling hurt or upset. Let go of your insecurities, shame and self-doubts. Accept that there is no need to hide anymore.

5. Begin looking deeper within yourself and be willing to show and share intense emotions. Learn how to manage your anger and frustration in healthy ways without loss of power or sense of being weak.

6. Become Authentic!!! Uncover your sense of purpose and direction and develop your passion, fulfilment, satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. You can do this just by being you.

7. Stop feeling threatened or intimidated when confronted by the Feminine. Learn how to mutually respect, appreciate and celebrate the differences that femininity presents.

8. Empower yourself as a Man, engage actively in relationships, stand firm in disagreements, and engage in an open, non-competitive, non-threatening manner to seek mutual understanding and connection.

9. Discover the Sacredness in Sexuality. Learn how to open your heart to an expanded state of consciousness, a deep meaningful connection, and learn how to circulate the energy created there.

10. Develop your playfulness and humour, laugh at yourself, laugh out loud, lark around, tell a joke and enjoy life in all its frivolity.

11. Remember your innate ability to “Tinker” and start a project that has no tangible productive output.

12. Unveil the Power of the Masculine, that Raw Masculine energy, The Wild Man, The Savage and unleash it in Sport, Drumming, Sound, Posture and Movement.

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095. Alternatively, subscribe to our Blog and post a comment.

MEN GROW THROUGH HEARTFELT CHALLENGE

[By Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

Part of the philosophy we have at Becoming Better Men is about achieving positive growth on the journey to becoming an Authentic Man.

Past articles on our Blog have talked about purpose, presence and the importance of values in our lives. At Becoming Better Men we believe that the first steps towards achieving a pathway to Authenticity include:

• Taking responsibility for ourselves and the consequences of our actions, words and thoughts;
• Understanding true masculinity and learning how to be present as a Man;
• Constantly redefining and pursuing our own life’s purpose and directing our precious energies in that endeavour;
• Networking with other men and openly talking about quality life issues;
• Playing an active and positive role in empowering our communities.

In the next Post I will talk about some great principles that you can add to your life to help facilitate positive growth and change. These principles, used in conjunction with some of the information you’ve already read on this Blog, will really help ‘kick start’ your journey towards being an Authentic Man.

However, today I want to focus on one of the most critical tools for change you are ever likely to encounter:

HEARTFELT CHALLENGE.

“It is a heartfelt challenge to awaken to your True Identity which is more wonderful than any of us can imagine, easier to see than anything in the world, and the paradigm of sanity and health” (D. Harding, 1998).

In his first letter, the Apostle Peter sent a Heartfelt Challenge to remind hard-pressed Christians of their rich identities in Christ, and to encourage them to face their sufferings with ‘Christlike’ character.

Now you don’t have to be a Christian or have Christian ideals to appreciate the sentiment expressed by Peter in his letter. A Heartfelt Challenge is one given in love and sincerity with the intent to help facilitate growth and purpose.

It is a challenge given by someone who wants to help you become the best version of yourself that you can be.

And the important thing about a Heartfelt Challenge is that, as is evident by Apostle Peter’s example, you know that the person making it would willingly walk the same path with you should you accept their challenge.

This is important because if we look back on our lives we, as Men, know that our biggest moments of growth occurred at a time when we were challenged to the very core of our existence – pushed to the very edge of our ‘comfort zone’. The death of a loved one, a personal crisis, the experience of living through a natural disaster, the loss of a career or business – these types of events often lead to the biggest and most dramatic changes in our lives and it is often from these changes that we undergo our most significant moments of growth.

A Heartfelt Challenge provides the same possibility but in a supported and encouraged way. A Heartfelt Challenge should still see you pushed to your ‘edge’, making you step outside your ‘comfort zone’ to face new and often frightening possibilities (opportunities). The difference is that you face the challenge knowing that you are not alone – that someone has cared enough about you to commit to walking alongside you and sharing in your growth experience. History has shown that Men respond in powerful and meaningful ways when confronted with a Heartfelt Challenge.

REMEMBER: MEN GROW THROUGH HEARTFELT CHALLENGE

So how should we respond when given the opportunity of a Heartfelt Challenge?

Here are some basic tenets:

• See every challenge in life as an opportunity to grow;
• Have the courage to face your fears;
• Become a Master of change;
• Praise, inspire, and act from strength firmly focused in the Heart;
• Have an open mind and be responsible for your words, thoughts and actions;
• Be aware that our perception is limited and that there are always greater possibilities waiting to be claimed;
• Be kind to yourself, smile, and re connect to life;
• Know that your life is your creation.

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095. Alternatively, subscribe to our Blog and post a comment.