A LIFE WITHOUT PURPOSE IS EMPTY

This article was posted by John Ryan, founder of the Savita Education Trust (see http://savitacentre.yolasite.com) and regular contributor to Becoming Better Men.

A life without purpose is empty. Purpose animates the human experience. It is what turns on the light inside our hearts and minds. It is the one thing that awakens the soul.

We all crave meaning and purpose. But in our postmodern world, we've allowed ourselves to become very cynical. We're too sophisticated for purpose. And that's why so many of us appear to be lost.

Without a higher purpose, we have a tendency to waste our life away – and so many of us do.

But when we awaken to the vast evolutionary context that we're all a part of, what we so often find is that very purpose we’ve so desperately longed for.

And what is that purpose?

It's the evolution of consciousness itself. In this sense, we can all learn to recognize that the next step in human evolution

is literally dependent upon us.

Consider this: If a man never discovers his deepest purpose, or if he permanently compromises it and uses his family as an excuse for doing so, then his core becomes weakened and he loses depth and presence.

As a result, His woman will lose trust and sexual polarity with him, even though he may be putting much energy into parenting their children and doing the housework. A man should, of course, be a full participant in caring for children and the household. But if he gives up his deepest purpose to do so, ultimately, everyone suffers.

A SHORT NEW YEAR'S MESSAGE FROM GARTH

Regular Becoming Better Men contributor Garth Clarricoats has this message for you for 2012:

It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.
People are always judging each other and, the truth is, they're not very good at it. Don't put a lot of concern into what people think of you. You weren't created to please and entertain everyone. You were created to be you, so feel good about yourself.
Feel good about yourself in 2012 - this helps others you meet to do the same.
Be happy.

Happy New Year for 2012 - let it be a good one.

CHRISTMAS: IT CAN BE LONELY FOR SOME - BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

[Posted by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft. see his Blog Site at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/]

At those special times when our communities and families come together there are many people out there, both Men and Women, who are alone. Christmas Day is one of those occasions and for those who are alone on Christmas day, knowing that it is a special day makes the loneliness all the more unbearable.

Loneliness can make us feel like we have no family and very few friends. We can feel invisible to others, and we perceive that people don’t seem interested in getting acquainted with us. When we’re lonely, we often feel sad, and we may wonder why no-one cares about us.

It hurts to feel lonely. Our greatest need as people is to be in loving relationships and when we don't feel connected to others who we care about and who care about us then we feel lonely. And with prolonged loneliness come other problems. For example, we all need to be esteemed and affirmed consistently by others for who we are and what we have to offer. If we're isolated from others then we're unknown and unappreciated.

We also need to share our feelings and receive support. If we don't regularly share our hearts with others then we'll become anxious, worried, and agitated. And we may become fearful and increasingly mistrusting of others.

Increasingly in Western societies evidence indicates that Men are up to five times more likely to experience the physical reality of being alone than Women. And while some of this is due to social circumstance (a relationship breakdown, moving away from home due to work etc), most of it is due to how men choose to respond to those circumstances. Too often we respond by isolating ourselves further, by burying our feelings, or by radiating a sense that ‘all is okay’.

Research has shown that when people talk about feelings of loneliness, their blood pressure rises dramatically for a few minutes, and medical conditions such as heart problems, diabetes and arthritis become worse. Loneliness can also lead to depression, and a depressed Man is four times more likely to develop heart problems than others.

Of course this is the research-based understanding of loneliness and how it affects people. However, what we need to be thinking about is the lived experience of those who, right now in the final few days before Christmas, are looking ahead to a sad and solitary time.

There are things we can all do to help overcome loneliness. If loneliness is a continual problem for you then you need to learn how to build or rebuild meaningful, caring relationships with others. And you may need to focus on your emotional healing and growth by seeking the support of a therapist or support group. However, here are some steps that can help you overcome loneliness – particularly at this time of year:

• Get involved in a social or community group. Even at this time of year it’s not too late – and you need to be where you can meet and get to know other people by having frequent contact with them.
• Join a support group or small group in which there is a stated intention of developing caring relationships. In New Plymouth for example, we host a Men’s Support Group based on the principles that are published on this Blog Site.
• When someone is listening to you, helping you, or caring for you; work at taking it in by agreeing with their care and encouragement and expressing appreciation.
• Keep a journal in which you write down your thoughts, ambitions, hopes and goals.
• Find other people who are lonely and express care for them. Lonely people are not hard to find. Just volunteer your time in a church ministry or community centre and you'll encounter people who need your listening, encouragement, and help.

If you are alone on Christmas day, try:

• Listening to your favourite music. In particular, choose music that is upbeat and positive. For example, I love Pink Floyd – but if I’m lonely, that’s not the music I will choose to listen to – I’d probably go for something ‘light’ like The Beatles or even The Monkeys. They’re not as deep or intense and they’ll definitely help lift my spirit.  
• Visiting someone you know – but let them know you’re coming ahead of time. Most people will want to open up their homes and hearts to you at this special time of year – but not if they feel you’ve forced yourself onto them.
• Going for a walk. There are lots of things to see and do on Christmas day – and many people will be out and about. Going out for a walk will not only improve your wellbeing through fresh air and exercise, it will help by enabling you to experience and share – even at a distance – the joy of others around you in your community.
• Reading an amusing book or watching a funny DVD. Laughter is the cure for all things – it uplifts our spirit and allows us to escape our reality for a while.

For those of you out there who are not alone this Christmas – have a good look around at the people you know. Are they all as lucky as you? What can you do to help alleviate others’ sense of loneliness during this festive season? Here are some ideas based on things I do:

• Adopt an open door policy. I always describe Christmas at my place as an “Orphan’s Christmas”. Now that may not be politically correct – but it helps convey a message of welcome to others in a way that is a little bit amusing, a little bit quaint – but not a bit intimidating. The idea of an Orphan’s Christmas is that we (my partner and I) invite anyone we know of who are going to be away from their families or friends to come and spend the day with us and our family. Every year there’s been someone different – and they’ve always felt welcome and they’ve always enjoyed themselves. I’ve already invited two “Orphans” so far for this Christmas.
• Help out at your local community kitchen – share the wealth of your happiness with others. But remember, leave your sympathy at the door – friendship and laughter is all that is required.
• Go out caroling – but not in your safe, affluent neighbourhoods – do it in your local park or down the main street of your town – places where lonely people who have nowhere else to go are likely to be.

There are lots of things you can do. What’s important is that you go out and do them. I mean, let’s be honest with each other here… do you really want to spend your Christmas with family and friends knowing that someone out there who you know is spending theirs’ alone?

Christmas is for everybody.

On behalf of the team at Becoming Better Men, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

CHAPTER 2: LIVE WITH AN OPEN HEART EVEN IF IT HURTS

Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man's true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place.

Imagine failing at a major project, lying to your woman and getting caught, or overhearing her joke about your shortcomings in bed. How do you react with your body, breath, and eyes? Notice if you react to a person or situation that hurts you by withdrawing, hiding, or closing in on yourself. Notice if there are times when you find it difficult to look into someone's eyes, or times when your chest and solar plexus become tense and contracted.

These are signs of an unskillful reaction to hurt. Contracted and closed in on yourself, you are unable to act. You are trapped in your own self-protective tension, no longer a free man.

The superior man practices opening during these times of

automatic closure. Open the front of your body so your chest and solar plexus are not tense. Sit or stand up straight and full, opening the front of your body, softening your chest and belly, wide and free. Breathe down through your chest and solar plexus, deep into your belly. Look directly into the eyes of whomever you are with, feeling your own pain as well as feeling the other person.

Only when the front of your body is relaxed and opened, your breath full and deep, and your gaze unguarded and directly connected with another person's eyes, can your fullest intelligence manifest spontaneously in the situation. To act as a superior man, a samurai of relationship, you must feel the entire situation with your whole body. A closed body is unable to sense subtle cues and signals, and therefore unable to act with mastery in the situation.

THE VALUE OF HUMANITY: WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

Think about this statement for a moment:

If there was another species on our planet that was as violent to humans as humans are to themselves, we’d hunt it down and bring it to the verge of extinction because that’s what we do – that’s what makes us human.

See Dr. Craig Ashcroft's interesting article at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-is-value-of-humanity-and-why-do-we.html

JOHN RYAN SHARES HIS FAVOURITE DAVID DEIDA QUOTES

John Ryan, founder of the Savita Education Trust (see http://savitacentre.yolasite.com) and regular contributor to Becoming Better Men has provided a selection of some of his favourite David Deida quotes. We hope you find some value in these:

"Trust, love, what we call sexy, who we trust in a business situation, are all based on how open we are. Openness is bodily openness, muscular relaxation, heart openness as opposed to hiding behind some emotional wall, and spiritual openness, which is actually feeling so fully into the moment that there's no separation between you and the entire moment."
From "Opening Spiritually and Sexually"

"You need to feel your man's trustable presence before you will open your heart and body without guard. It's a step-by-step process of learning. He learns to be more present, you learn to be more open."
From "Finding God Through Sex"

"One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax".
David Deida

"Spiritual practice is the capacity to offer your love even when you feel hurt, closed down, tense, angry, misunderstood, or hated." David Deida

"One misunderstanding is that if you do the right thing, then life's storms will stop. If you do the right thing, the storms actually get bigger. This is because they know they can't blow you down like they used to, and now it's going to take a lot more energy to find out if you are conscious."
From "At Your Edge: Spiritual and Sexual Wisdom for Men”

"As a body in a world, here is our choice: we can be more loving or less loving. That's it. We can relax as the entire moment's show of love's swirl, feeling open as all--a vicious rainstorm, tweeting birds, our lover's lips, a sense of worthlessness--or we can close to some aspect of experience, pulling away as if we were separate."
From "Waiting To Love"

"Masculine anger is always because you are feeling constrained, trapped by life. Feminine anger is always because you are feeling unloved."
David Deida

"Men who have lived significant lives are men who never waited: not for money, security, ease, or women."
David Deida

"The simplicity of it is this: give everything you have to give in every moment, completely."
David Deida

The trick is not to change yourself. The trick is to become comfortable with yourself.

THE ANNOYING THINGS THAT MEN DO: A LIGHT HEARTED POST

Regular contributor and founder of the Savita Education Trust John Ryan found this amusing article at:

http://malexperience.com/2011/11/10-annoying-things-men/

As much as we think the article has an air of humour about it, we also thought that there were some valuable messages in there too. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

10 Annoying Things That Men Do (Or Are They Endearing?)

Men make up around half the population and the other half seem to get annoyed by them most of the time.

What is it that men do that is so annoying?


Maybe you love men and find their little habits endearing and lovable? Here are the habits that I see that women find difficult to take:


1. Men Turn Off Their Brains!

This is something my wife still finds extraordinary. She knows I do it and she, now, understands it’s a necessary part of men focusing, but she, somehow, can’t quite believe it. I just switch off from whatever I am doing, or whatever is happening and go into space, or my ‘nothing box’.



One of the great qualities that men have is their ability to focus and be directed in what they do. I suppose it comes from man as hunter when he needed to focus for hours, or days, on catching his prey. Much of the work and achievement of men comes from this narrow view. Having spent all day doing this, men just want to empty out when they get home and think of absolutely nothing.



Advice For Men:
Think about when you do this. Does your partner need some attention? Could you do this another time? Have you explained what’s happening to your partner?

 2. Men Are So Bound Up In Their Ego!

OK, it’s true! Men are bound up in their ego! The classic story from all women, it seems, is the one where the man is driving and reading the map (because we all know women can’t!) but still manages to get lost. He drives around for hours saying that he knows he is almost there. The problem is he doesn’t stop and ask directions from people around, that would mean admitting he is lost.


Men are bound up in their masculinity, or lack of it. They live by power and strength and they believe in hierarchy. The pecking order is achieved by winning small battles on the road to success. This only happens if men refuse to admit defeat. He plays the game of chicken in life. The first one to falter loses. Road rage is a classic case of this.


Advice For Men:
Is this really necessary for you? It is important to choose your battles and not let life be one great battle, with yourself or others. Let go of your ego and let life flow.


3. Men are selfish and detached!

It’s true that men detach, but the idea that they are selfish is one that isn’t true, generally. John Gray in his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women from Venus’, talks about an elastic band that draws men away from emotional commitment and bounces them back in again. I prefer the idea of a rhythm of masculinity where men fluctuate in their emotional connection.


I know my emotional connection to my wife seems to grow stronger and weaker over time. This is not, however, because there is any variation in the connection itself, it’s because my mind and attention can only hold so much at any one time. My focus goes on whatever project I am working on and I need to drag myself back to be attentive emotionally. It’s all bound up with the logical male brain, solutions come before emotions.


Advice For Men:
Be aware that you are doing this. When your partner accuses you of being distant accept that it may be true. Find time every day to bring yourself back to her and connect with her emotionally. Let your work for a time.

4. Men Snore!
Guilty as charged. I do it and I wake up the whole household when I do it. My father was a bad case as well. I remember that my mother used to get up very early in the morning when she could stand it no more. She could always be found downstairs in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea when she should have been in bed.


It is a fact that men do it far more than women and that most men seem to have no idea what to do about it, other than annoy their partner.


I have solved it, however, much to my wife’s relief. I went to the doctor who sent me to a specialist. I did a sleep test at the hospital and was diagnosed with ‘Obstructive Sleep Apnoea ’. What this means is that I am on the verge of dying every few minutes when I am ‘asleep’ because my airway closes. That explained my tiredness and irritability. I now use a CPAP (Constant Positive Air Pressure) machine that gently blows air into my nose and keeps my airway open. No more snoring, much better dreaming.


Advice For Men:
Don’t just accept it, go to a doctor and get it seen to. The difference for me was transformational. I thoroughly recommend it.


5. Men Read On The Toilet!
Why do men do this? I have no answer other than they do. I know I do. Maybe I want to detach from what I am doing, maybe I want escape from the outside world, maybe I am just bored sitting there. I don’t get bored easily but I don’t spend a lot of time doing nothing. I enjoy reading in the ‘loo’. In my earlier years I had a collection of joke books in there that could be read in small bites.


Advice For Men:
Don’t believe that this is a problem. Enjoy yourself but make sure your partner doesn’t need to urgently go while you are spending hours in there.


6. Men Are So Logical!

Isn’t it great? Aren’t you relieved that at least someone is logical! How would you get on in life if everyone just dived in and followed their intuitive response.

Men are reputed to be more left-brained, more linear in their thinking. On average this may seem to be true because much of the work that men do is linear and logical. This view denies the large numbers of creative men for whom ideas and concepts are the currency of their mind. I find that in my working, and thinking, life I am both. I love logic and studied maths as a result. Yet I found that in studying maths it was the wild, conceptual side of pure maths that I loved.

Advice For Men:
This is OK, for you. Don’t expect others to think logically as well, though. In particular don’t expect women to be logical and don’t criticise them when they aren’t.


7. Men Are Always Solving Problems!
Men don’t even realise they’re doing this, they think it’s how everyone behaves. They see life as a series of problems to be solved one by one. Men create success at work by solving problems and finding new ways to do things.


I have created enormous success in my life by being a great problem solver. I worked in the theatre and in architectural lighting design and I succeeded by being creative in my problem solving. In many ways I see creativity as just another way of looking at a situation, another way of solving a problem. Many women find this behaviour extremely annoying and hate that men see their personal life in the same way they see their working life.


Advice For Men:
Try not to see all of life this way. Often your partner just wants to talk so that you listen, just listen. She doesn’t want her issues solved, they’re not problems for her. She only wants acknowledgement.


8. Men Scratch Their Balls!
We scratch our balls! We can’t deny it!

Women find it offensive and rude. Often they also find it far too suggestive. The truth is they cannot understand why we spend so much time scratching. They accuse us of having to keep checking that they are still there… of being obsessed with them.


The truth is they have no idea what it’s like having your ‘crown jewels’ hanging around between your legs. I know there is a good physical reason why we were designed this way, but I am sure god could have done a better job of it. You see they get caught in awkward ways, they end up in uncomfortable positions, they get squashed and pushed around. Every time we walk or sit or stand or move or…. they move and get caught. They itch, they feel sensitive, they are just a nuisance outside of sex. We have to live with them all the time, though.


Advice For Men:
Be discreet about it. Don’t do it publicly. Try to consider the sensibilities of the women you are with. I know they’re awkward, just get over it.


9. Men Have Facial Hair!
Men grow hair in places they’d sooner not. As they get older it starts sprouting out of ears and nose and…


I have had a beard for most of my life and I am proud of it. I do, however, keep it, and the rest, trimmed. Well sort of… Do you know what it’s like scraping a razor across your face every day? I have better things to do so I grow a beard. It also makes me look distinguished!


There is going too far, though. The Archbishop of Canterbury (see picture) needs to be introduced to a barber, at least. In my view he takes his manly growth a little too seriously, especially the eyebrows, it really is possible to trim them.


Advice For Men:
It’s OK to be proud of your beard or moustache, but do consider trimming them. Just imagine what it’s like for a woman to be scratched and scraped whenever you want to show affection.


10. Men Are So Scruffy!
This really is my pet peeve! Men seem to think that it is manly to be scruffy. Somehow walking around in the clothes he has slept in seems to be the height of fashion for many men. They also seem to think that a 40 year old with a beer belly can still look smart in jeans and tee shirt. It’s time for men to grow up and realise that fashion is not just for women.

It’s so common to see a wide gap between men and women when they are out together. Mostly women look smart, clean, tidy and well presented. The man with her often has no idea that he looks like a slob beside her. He’s wearing worn jeans, his shirt is hanging out, his jersey is shapeless, as for the stained baseball cap or hat…

Being fashionable is fine, being out of date is not.


Advice For Men:
Look at yourself in the mirror before you go out. Do you look good? Look at your partner, how smart is she? Do you set her off, will you make her proud of you? When your clothes become shapeless throw them out.

NOTE: This article is not an original post by Becoming Better Men. It has been respectfully borrowed from http://malexperience.com/2011/11/10-annoying-things-men/