Wednesday, 14 December 2011

CHRISTMAS: IT CAN BE LONELY FOR SOME - BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

[Posted by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft. see his Blog Site at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/]

At those special times when our communities and families come together there are many people out there, both Men and Women, who are alone. Christmas Day is one of those occasions and for those who are alone on Christmas day, knowing that it is a special day makes the loneliness all the more unbearable.

Loneliness can make us feel like we have no family and very few friends. We can feel invisible to others, and we perceive that people don’t seem interested in getting acquainted with us. When we’re lonely, we often feel sad, and we may wonder why no-one cares about us.

It hurts to feel lonely. Our greatest need as people is to be in loving relationships and when we don't feel connected to others who we care about and who care about us then we feel lonely. And with prolonged loneliness come other problems. For example, we all need to be esteemed and affirmed consistently by others for who we are and what we have to offer. If we're isolated from others then we're unknown and unappreciated.

We also need to share our feelings and receive support. If we don't regularly share our hearts with others then we'll become anxious, worried, and agitated. And we may become fearful and increasingly mistrusting of others.

Increasingly in Western societies evidence indicates that Men are up to five times more likely to experience the physical reality of being alone than Women. And while some of this is due to social circumstance (a relationship breakdown, moving away from home due to work etc), most of it is due to how men choose to respond to those circumstances. Too often we respond by isolating ourselves further, by burying our feelings, or by radiating a sense that ‘all is okay’.

Research has shown that when people talk about feelings of loneliness, their blood pressure rises dramatically for a few minutes, and medical conditions such as heart problems, diabetes and arthritis become worse. Loneliness can also lead to depression, and a depressed Man is four times more likely to develop heart problems than others.

Of course this is the research-based understanding of loneliness and how it affects people. However, what we need to be thinking about is the lived experience of those who, right now in the final few days before Christmas, are looking ahead to a sad and solitary time.

There are things we can all do to help overcome loneliness. If loneliness is a continual problem for you then you need to learn how to build or rebuild meaningful, caring relationships with others. And you may need to focus on your emotional healing and growth by seeking the support of a therapist or support group. However, here are some steps that can help you overcome loneliness – particularly at this time of year:
  • Get involved in a social or community group. Even at this time of year it’s not too late – and you need to be where you can meet and get to know other people by having frequent contact with them.
  • Join a support group or small group in which there is a stated intention of developing caring relationships. In New Plymouth for example, we host a Men’s Support Group based on the principles that are published on this Blog Site.
  • When someone is listening to you, helping you, or caring for you; work at taking it in by agreeing with their care and encouragement and expressing appreciation.
  • Keep a journal in which you write down your thoughts, ambitions, hopes and goals.
  • Find other people who are lonely and express care for them. Lonely people are not hard to find. Just volunteer your time in a church ministry or community centre and you'll encounter people who need your listening, encouragement, and help.

If you are alone on Christmas day, try:
  • Listening to your favourite music. In particular, choose music that is upbeat and positive. For example, I love Pink Floyd – but if I’m lonely, that’s not the music I will choose to listen to – I’d probably go for something ‘light’ like The Beatles or even The Monkeys. They’re not as deep or intense and they’ll definitely help lift my spirit.  
  • Visiting someone you know – but let them know you’re coming ahead of time. Most people will want to open up their homes and hearts to you at this special time of year – but not if they feel you’ve forced yourself onto them.
  • Going for a walk. There are lots of things to see and do on Christmas day – and many people will be out and about. Going out for a walk will not only improve your wellbeing through fresh air and exercise, it will help by enabling you to experience and share – even at a distance – the joy of others around you in your community.
  • Reading an amusing book or watching a funny DVD. Laughter is the cure for all things – it uplifts our spirit and allows us to escape our reality for a while.

For those of you out there who are not alone this Christmas – have a good look around at the people you know. Are they all as lucky as you? What can you do to help alleviate others’ sense of loneliness during this festive season? Here are some ideas based on things I do:
  • Adopt an open door policy. I always describe Christmas at my place as an “Orphan’s Christmas”. Now that may not be politically correct – but it helps convey a message of welcome to others in a way that is a little bit amusing, a little bit quaint – but not a bit intimidating. The idea of an Orphan’s Christmas is that we (my partner and I) invite anyone we know of who are going to be away from their families or friends to come and spend the day with us and our family. Every year there’s been someone different – and they’ve always felt welcome and they’ve always enjoyed themselves. I’ve already invited two “Orphans” so far for this Christmas.
  • Help out at your local community kitchen – share the wealth of your happiness with others. But remember, leave your sympathy at the door – friendship and laughter is all that is required.
  • Go out caroling – but not in your safe, affluent neighbourhoods – do it in your local park or down the main street of your town – places where lonely people who have nowhere else to go are likely to be.

There are lots of things you can do. What’s important is that you go out and do them. I mean, let’s be honest with each other here… do you really want to spend your Christmas with family and friends knowing that someone out there who you know is spending theirs’ alone?

Christmas is for everybody.

On behalf of the team at Becoming Better Men, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

CHAPTER 2: LIVE WITH AN OPEN HEART EVEN IF IT HURTS

Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man's true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place.

Imagine failing at a major project, lying to your woman and getting caught, or overhearing her joke about your shortcomings in bed. How do you react with your body, breath, and eyes? Notice if you react to a person or situation that hurts you by withdrawing, hiding, or closing in on yourself. Notice if there are times when you find it difficult to look into someone's eyes, or times when your chest and solar plexus become tense and contracted.

These are signs of an unskillful reaction to hurt. Contracted and closed in on yourself, you are unable to act. You are trapped in your own self-protective tension, no longer a free man.

The superior man practices opening during these times of
automatic closure. Open the front of your body so your chest and solar plexus are not tense. Sit or stand up straight and full, opening the front of your body, softening your chest and belly, wide and free. Breathe down through your chest and solar plexus, deep into your belly. Look directly into the eyes of whomever you are with, feeling your own pain as well as feeling the other person.

Only when the front of your body is relaxed and opened, your breath full and deep, and your gaze unguarded and directly connected with another person's eyes, can your fullest intelligence manifest spontaneously in the situation. To act as a superior man, a samurai of relationship, you must feel the entire situation with your whole body. A closed body is unable to sense subtle cues and signals, and therefore unable to act with mastery in the situation.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

THE VALUE OF HUMANITY: WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

Think about this statement for a moment:

If there was another species on our planet that was as violent to humans as humans are to themselves, we’d hunt it down and bring it to the verge of extinction because that’s what we do – that’s what makes us human.

See Dr. Craig Ashcroft's interesting article at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-is-value-of-humanity-and-why-do-we.html

Sunday, 4 December 2011

JOHN RYAN SHARES HIS FAVOURITE DAVID DEIDA QUOTES

John Ryan, founder of the Savita Education Trust (see http://savitacentre.yolasite.com) and regular contributor to Becoming Better Men has provided a selection of some of his favourite David Deida quotes. We hope you find some value in these:

"Trust, love, what we call sexy, who we trust in a business situation, are all based on how open we are. Openness is bodily openness, muscular relaxation, heart openness as opposed to hiding behind some emotional wall, and spiritual openness, which is actually feeling so fully into the moment that there's no separation between you and the entire moment."
From "Opening Spiritually and Sexually"

"You need to feel your man's trustable presence before you will open your heart and body without guard. It's a step-by-step process of learning. He learns to be more present, you learn to be more open."
From "Finding God Through Sex"

"One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax".
David Deida

"Spiritual practice is the capacity to offer your love even when you feel hurt, closed down, tense, angry, misunderstood, or hated." David Deida

"One misunderstanding is that if you do the right thing, then life's storms will stop. If you do the right thing, the storms actually get bigger. This is because they know they can't blow you down like they used to, and now it's going to take a lot more energy to find out if you are conscious."
From "At Your Edge: Spiritual and Sexual Wisdom for Men”

"As a body in a world, here is our choice: we can be more loving or less loving. That's it. We can relax as the entire moment's show of love's swirl, feeling open as all--a vicious rainstorm, tweeting birds, our lover's lips, a sense of worthlessness--or we can close to some aspect of experience, pulling away as if we were separate."
From "Waiting To Love"

"Masculine anger is always because you are feeling constrained, trapped by life. Feminine anger is always because you are feeling unloved."
David Deida

"Men who have lived significant lives are men who never waited: not for money, security, ease, or women."
David Deida

"The simplicity of it is this: give everything you have to give in every moment, completely."
David Deida
The trick is not to change yourself. The trick is to become comfortable with yourself.