Angry Men: relationships, Child Support and our responsibility

[Some thoughts formulated by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

With ever increasing statistics of family violence, male suicide, child abuse, crime, and alcohol and drug addiction in our communities; society is in a constant upheaval and our families and children suffer.

From a male perspective, and accounting for the significant role men play in facilitating these various problems, it is evident that society needs an approach that deals with the real issues that men face in their world today:-

• Men have had little or no positive role models;
• Children are growing up in ‘Fatherless’ societies;
• Men are generally unlikely to deal with personal issues until they reach a crisis point;
• Networking amongst men is quite low when compared to women;
• Long term involvement in programs is rare for Men, and when the ‘crisis’ is able to be handled they leave (or are excluded);
• Understanding and expressing emotions in a constructive way is generally a foreign concept to most men.

The Men’s Movement for change is a relatively new phenomenon in our world when compared to the maturity of the established global Women’s movement. This has created an unintentionally unbalanced and unhealthy view of society’s problematic issues as they pertain to the role of Men - and this has resulted in a universal response that, until very recently, painted a generalised deficit model of the role of the masculine in society.

Fortunately there is genuine drive for change in the air that presents a more balanced and fairer outlook for Men in the future. For example, Domestic Violence has now become Family Violence in an attempt to address the stereotypical gender bias that has always assumed the perpetrators to be male and that the victims female.

Nevertheless there are areas that still need addressing. For example, child shared care arrangements is an increasing occurrence that must be seen as being beneficial for both parents and children alike. But we still have a long way to go as many fathers continue to believe that they remain disadvantaged in terms of the contact they are able to have with their children after separation, and by their ability to financially support themselves and their children in a positive way.

Part of this financial hardship is due to the uncompromising and generally punitive way Child Support payments are calculated. In most cases these calculations do not account for the Father’s:

• current living situation and other commitments he has;
• informal financial commitment to his children for whom the calculations are made;
• access to those children and the time he is able to commit and spend with them; and
• love for his children.

Further, in countries like New Zealand, the agency responsible for calculating and collecting Child Support Payments, namely Inland Revenue, continues to have gender biased policies that disfavour the father regardless of whether he is the liable parent (the one who pays Child Support) or the custodial parent (the one receiving the Child Support).

The resulting consequence of this has been the emergence of “Angry Father’s” groups that seek to advocate a fair and just change to the system but instead, paint an unintentional image of Men seeking to avoid their obligations and commitments (which we know isn’t the case at all).

But it is one thing to recognise a problem and establish “Angry Father’s” groups to help scream and yell for the need for the ‘system’ to change; but it’s another thing to actually do something positive yourself towards creating that change.

The first step towards this notion of positive change is to recognise and accept your own role in the equation:

• Men need to improve their communication skills. It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to tell us that communication between Men and Women in today’s world is as much in its infancy as it has ever been. We all know that communication is one of the primary causes of modern relationship breakdowns. And Men – you are one half of that equation!
• Men need to refrain from allowing their children to be used as pawns in the power struggle around their relationship breakdown. Too often I hear Men say that it’s the Women who use the children in this way. Again, it doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to explain that it takes two opposing sides to create a power struggle. So even if you are right (and I’m not saying that you are), for a struggle to exist - you have to have chosen to engage in it.
• Men need to also learn to ‘hear’ the other side – the feminine perspective. Men and Women are different and these differences become no more apparent than when we are in conflict with each other. Our conflicts are communicated in two completely different narratives: His and Hers. And as much as I would like to extend a call out to all the Women out there to stop and actually ‘listen’ to your Man’s narrative, you Men are just as responsible for being deaf to the other voice.

So, in summary, the world may not be as balanced and as fair as we Men sometimes wish it should be. But is that about reality or perception?

And how do we, as Men, create change?

For starters, you can take up today’s heartfelt challenge:

Take responsibility for yourself and for the consequences of your actions, words and thoughts (as you cannot be responsible for the actions, words and thoughts of somebody else).

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095.