THE ANNOYING THINGS THAT MEN DO: A LIGHT HEARTED POST

Regular contributor and founder of the Savita Education Trust John Ryan found this amusing article at:

http://malexperience.com/2011/11/10-annoying-things-men/

As much as we think the article has an air of humour about it, we also thought that there were some valuable messages in there too. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

10 Annoying Things That Men Do (Or Are They Endearing?)

Men make up around half the population and the other half seem to get annoyed by them most of the time.

What is it that men do that is so annoying?


Maybe you love men and find their little habits endearing and lovable? Here are the habits that I see that women find difficult to take:


1. Men Turn Off Their Brains!

This is something my wife still finds extraordinary. She knows I do it and she, now, understands it’s a necessary part of men focusing, but she, somehow, can’t quite believe it. I just switch off from whatever I am doing, or whatever is happening and go into space, or my ‘nothing box’.



One of the great qualities that men have is their ability to focus and be directed in what they do. I suppose it comes from man as hunter when he needed to focus for hours, or days, on catching his prey. Much of the work and achievement of men comes from this narrow view. Having spent all day doing this, men just want to empty out when they get home and think of absolutely nothing.



Advice For Men:
Think about when you do this. Does your partner need some attention? Could you do this another time? Have you explained what’s happening to your partner?

 2. Men Are So Bound Up In Their Ego!

OK, it’s true! Men are bound up in their ego! The classic story from all women, it seems, is the one where the man is driving and reading the map (because we all know women can’t!) but still manages to get lost. He drives around for hours saying that he knows he is almost there. The problem is he doesn’t stop and ask directions from people around, that would mean admitting he is lost.


Men are bound up in their masculinity, or lack of it. They live by power and strength and they believe in hierarchy. The pecking order is achieved by winning small battles on the road to success. This only happens if men refuse to admit defeat. He plays the game of chicken in life. The first one to falter loses. Road rage is a classic case of this.


Advice For Men:
Is this really necessary for you? It is important to choose your battles and not let life be one great battle, with yourself or others. Let go of your ego and let life flow.


3. Men are selfish and detached!

It’s true that men detach, but the idea that they are selfish is one that isn’t true, generally. John Gray in his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women from Venus’, talks about an elastic band that draws men away from emotional commitment and bounces them back in again. I prefer the idea of a rhythm of masculinity where men fluctuate in their emotional connection.


I know my emotional connection to my wife seems to grow stronger and weaker over time. This is not, however, because there is any variation in the connection itself, it’s because my mind and attention can only hold so much at any one time. My focus goes on whatever project I am working on and I need to drag myself back to be attentive emotionally. It’s all bound up with the logical male brain, solutions come before emotions.


Advice For Men:
Be aware that you are doing this. When your partner accuses you of being distant accept that it may be true. Find time every day to bring yourself back to her and connect with her emotionally. Let your work for a time.

4. Men Snore!
Guilty as charged. I do it and I wake up the whole household when I do it. My father was a bad case as well. I remember that my mother used to get up very early in the morning when she could stand it no more. She could always be found downstairs in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea when she should have been in bed.


It is a fact that men do it far more than women and that most men seem to have no idea what to do about it, other than annoy their partner.


I have solved it, however, much to my wife’s relief. I went to the doctor who sent me to a specialist. I did a sleep test at the hospital and was diagnosed with ‘Obstructive Sleep Apnoea ’. What this means is that I am on the verge of dying every few minutes when I am ‘asleep’ because my airway closes. That explained my tiredness and irritability. I now use a CPAP (Constant Positive Air Pressure) machine that gently blows air into my nose and keeps my airway open. No more snoring, much better dreaming.


Advice For Men:
Don’t just accept it, go to a doctor and get it seen to. The difference for me was transformational. I thoroughly recommend it.


5. Men Read On The Toilet!
Why do men do this? I have no answer other than they do. I know I do. Maybe I want to detach from what I am doing, maybe I want escape from the outside world, maybe I am just bored sitting there. I don’t get bored easily but I don’t spend a lot of time doing nothing. I enjoy reading in the ‘loo’. In my earlier years I had a collection of joke books in there that could be read in small bites.


Advice For Men:
Don’t believe that this is a problem. Enjoy yourself but make sure your partner doesn’t need to urgently go while you are spending hours in there.


6. Men Are So Logical!

Isn’t it great? Aren’t you relieved that at least someone is logical! How would you get on in life if everyone just dived in and followed their intuitive response.

Men are reputed to be more left-brained, more linear in their thinking. On average this may seem to be true because much of the work that men do is linear and logical. This view denies the large numbers of creative men for whom ideas and concepts are the currency of their mind. I find that in my working, and thinking, life I am both. I love logic and studied maths as a result. Yet I found that in studying maths it was the wild, conceptual side of pure maths that I loved.

Advice For Men:
This is OK, for you. Don’t expect others to think logically as well, though. In particular don’t expect women to be logical and don’t criticise them when they aren’t.


7. Men Are Always Solving Problems!
Men don’t even realise they’re doing this, they think it’s how everyone behaves. They see life as a series of problems to be solved one by one. Men create success at work by solving problems and finding new ways to do things.


I have created enormous success in my life by being a great problem solver. I worked in the theatre and in architectural lighting design and I succeeded by being creative in my problem solving. In many ways I see creativity as just another way of looking at a situation, another way of solving a problem. Many women find this behaviour extremely annoying and hate that men see their personal life in the same way they see their working life.


Advice For Men:
Try not to see all of life this way. Often your partner just wants to talk so that you listen, just listen. She doesn’t want her issues solved, they’re not problems for her. She only wants acknowledgement.


8. Men Scratch Their Balls!
We scratch our balls! We can’t deny it!

Women find it offensive and rude. Often they also find it far too suggestive. The truth is they cannot understand why we spend so much time scratching. They accuse us of having to keep checking that they are still there… of being obsessed with them.


The truth is they have no idea what it’s like having your ‘crown jewels’ hanging around between your legs. I know there is a good physical reason why we were designed this way, but I am sure god could have done a better job of it. You see they get caught in awkward ways, they end up in uncomfortable positions, they get squashed and pushed around. Every time we walk or sit or stand or move or…. they move and get caught. They itch, they feel sensitive, they are just a nuisance outside of sex. We have to live with them all the time, though.


Advice For Men:
Be discreet about it. Don’t do it publicly. Try to consider the sensibilities of the women you are with. I know they’re awkward, just get over it.


9. Men Have Facial Hair!
Men grow hair in places they’d sooner not. As they get older it starts sprouting out of ears and nose and…


I have had a beard for most of my life and I am proud of it. I do, however, keep it, and the rest, trimmed. Well sort of… Do you know what it’s like scraping a razor across your face every day? I have better things to do so I grow a beard. It also makes me look distinguished!


There is going too far, though. The Archbishop of Canterbury (see picture) needs to be introduced to a barber, at least. In my view he takes his manly growth a little too seriously, especially the eyebrows, it really is possible to trim them.


Advice For Men:
It’s OK to be proud of your beard or moustache, but do consider trimming them. Just imagine what it’s like for a woman to be scratched and scraped whenever you want to show affection.


10. Men Are So Scruffy!
This really is my pet peeve! Men seem to think that it is manly to be scruffy. Somehow walking around in the clothes he has slept in seems to be the height of fashion for many men. They also seem to think that a 40 year old with a beer belly can still look smart in jeans and tee shirt. It’s time for men to grow up and realise that fashion is not just for women.

It’s so common to see a wide gap between men and women when they are out together. Mostly women look smart, clean, tidy and well presented. The man with her often has no idea that he looks like a slob beside her. He’s wearing worn jeans, his shirt is hanging out, his jersey is shapeless, as for the stained baseball cap or hat…

Being fashionable is fine, being out of date is not.


Advice For Men:
Look at yourself in the mirror before you go out. Do you look good? Look at your partner, how smart is she? Do you set her off, will you make her proud of you? When your clothes become shapeless throw them out.

NOTE: This article is not an original post by Becoming Better Men. It has been respectfully borrowed from http://malexperience.com/2011/11/10-annoying-things-men/

Stop Hoping for a Completion of Anything in Life

Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done. They think, "If I can work enough, then one day I could rest." Or, "One day my woman will understand something and then she will stop complaining." Or, "I'm only doing this now so that one day I can do what I really want with my life" The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way. They won't. It never ends. As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift.

It's never going to be over, so stop waiting for the good stuff. As of now, spend a minimum of one hour a day doing whatever you are waiting to do until your finances are more secure, or until the children have grown and left home, or until you have finished your obligations and you feel free to do what you really want to do. Don't wait any longer. Don't believe in the myth of "one day when everything will be different." Do what you love to do, what you are waiting to do, what you've been born to do, now.

Spend at least one hour a day doing whatever you simply love to do—what you deeply feel you need to do, in your heart—in spite of the daily duties that seem to constrain you. However, be forewarned: you may discover that you don't, or can't, do it; that, in fact, your fantasy of your future life is simply a fantasy.

Most postponements are excuses for a lack of creative discipline. Limited money and family obligations have never stopped a man who really wanted to do something, although they provide excuses for a man who is not really up to the creative challenge

in the first place. Find out today whether you are willing to do what it takes to give your gift fully. As a first step, spend at least an hour today giving your fullest gift, whatever that is for today, so that when you go to sleep at night you know you couldn't have lived your day with more courage, creativity, and giving.

In addition to the myth that one day your life will be fundamentally different, you may believe, and hope, that one day your woman will be fundamentally different. Don't wait. Assume she's going to be however she is, forever. If your woman's behavior or mood is truly intolerable to you, you should leave her, and don't look back (since you cannot change her). However, if you find her behavior or mood is merely distasteful or a hassle, realize that she will always seem this way: The feminine always seems chaotic and complicated from the perspective of the masculine.

The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer (fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way (whatever you filled in the blank with). Embrace her, or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring an end to that which pisses you off. Practice love instead of trying to bring an end to the quality that bothers you. You can't escape the tussle with the feminine. Learn to find humor in the unending emotional drama the feminine seems to enjoy so much. The love that you magnify may realign her behavior, but your effort to fix her and your frustration never will.

The world and your woman will always present you with unforeseen challenges. You are either living fully, giving your gift in the midst of those challenges, even today, or you are waiting for an imaginary future which will never come. Men who have lived

significant lives are men who never waited: not for money, security, ease, or women.

Feel what you want to give most as a gift, to your woman and to the world, and do what you can to give it today. Every moment waited is a moment wasted, and each wasted moment degrades your clarity of purpose.

ENVIRONMENT, FOCUS AND CLARITY AS INGREDIENTS FOR ACHIEVING PURPOSE

As seen on Dr. Craig Ashcroft's site at: http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/2011/11/environment-focus-and-clarity.html

The Environment we build around us can be our biggest barrier to achieving happiness, growth and authenticity. This is because it is a major determinant of our behaviour because our journey through it is intertwined with its design. It’s kind of like the lab-mouse in the maze we have built whereby the doorways, walls, and stairways determine which way the mouse travels and ultimately, the destination it reaches. In the same way, the environment we build for ourselves will always determine where we are going and where we end up. There is no denying that our environment plays a critical role in shaping our destiny.

So the best thing we can do with our environment is set about to create a sense of order about it. We need to learn to control and shape our environment – not let it control and shape us. Most critically, we need to draw on our imagination to create and build an environment that will best support our journey towards achieving our Life’s Purpose. We need to clear our path so that we can see where we are going.

Part of recreating our environment so as to create a clear and purpose-felt pathway to growth and authenticity is developing our focus. The more we develop our focus, the more we will see what it is that we want. If we are focused, our environment becomes less chaotic and confusing – more controlled and deliberate – and this further enhances the journey we are taking. The less confusion we experience, the more on path we can be.

Here’s a hint: confusion comes about when you try to figure out how you are going to get to your goal before you clearly know what your goal is.

Clarity is also an extremely important trait to bring into your environment. It helps when you find yourself stressed, confused and overwhelmed. When you are feeling like this, stop! Take a breathe… a little time out and ask yourself:

1. What is it I Really Want? What is my Purpose?

2. Where is it I need to go? Is it Clear to me?

3. How am I going to get there? Is my Environment right?

4. Who do I need to be?

This last point - Knowing who you are - stops you from identifying with the role you are playing and enables you to choose the roles and qualities in those you admire around you. This will not only allow you to stay firmly focused on your purpose, it will enhance it. It will help you know the type of person you need to be at every stage of your journey, enabling you to develop and hone those skills you require like an artist with wielding a brush. It enables you to create the Life you want to live.

SPREADING THE MESSAGE FURTHER: ANOTHER BLOGSITE FOR YOU TO VISIT

At Becoming Better Men we believe that the more avenues there are for getting the message out about how to be Authentic, the better.


One of our regular contributors and a founding member of Becoming Better Men, Dr. Craig Ashcroft, has begun his own Blog just for that reason.


Dr. Ashcroft advocates advancing the role of Men in the World: in their relationships, families and communities. As a regular contributor to Becoming Better Men Dr. Ashcroft believes that it is the responsibility and purpose of all Men to become the best version of themselves that they can be: to strive to be an Authentic Man.


Visit Dr. Ashcroft's Blog at http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/

HOW TO BE AUTHENTIC: FIRST STEPS - An Introduction

[Article by Dr. Craig Ashcroft http://craigashcroft.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-be-authentic-first-steps.html]

Our actions affect those around us and largely determine how our life is shaped. It is important that we recognise and accept that we are inseparable from the events and situations in our life. When we see and appreciate our connection to the world around us, we can begin to understand the control that we actually have over our own destiny.

Integrity and Character go hand in hand:

Character is the sum total of the result of all the choices and decisions we have made in our lives to date. It is about the relationship that we have with ourselves that is projected outwardly for others to see.

Integrity is the measure used to express our adherence to the moral principles and core values that we have set for ourselves. This adherence is identified by others as honesty, wholeness, trustworthiness and respectability.

Combining these two critical traits and projecting a character that is elevated by a conviction to sound principles and wholesome values is indeed our only pathway to true happiness.

The important point to be made here is that, in Shakespearean terms, if we cannot be true to thy selves then we cannot be true to others.

In order to be true to ourselves we need to:

• Realise and embrace our connection to the world around us; to our Environment. But we need to do this not from an observational and separatist perspective bit from an entirely immersed and unified way that enables us to take total responsibility for our Life and actions.
• Love, honour and Respect ourselves for the amazing beings that we are and to live up to our Integrity measures: our core Values, Principles, Ideals and Truths.

Another critical part of being true to ourselves is recognising that because our connection to the world largely determines how our life is shaped, we often try and fight against that connection rather than accept or even embrace it. We tend to do this in four primary ways:

• Repression: we put our efforts into push our experiences back. A good example of this is the proverbial “hiding our problems under the carpet” cliché.
• Projection: we choose to project negative or avoidance qualities onto the people around us. This is often exemplified as blame – “They didn’t give me the job although I was best qualified because they didn’t want someone who was male/black/short/gay/straight/etc”; i.e. it can’t have been anything you had done.
• Delusion: we ignore reality and opt to live in a make believe world manifested from misguided beliefs and perceptions. The most extreme end example of this is the stereotypical conspiracy theorist who believes they are best to withdraw and disengage from society because ‘someone’ is out to get them.
• Denial: we refuse to face Truths or Reality about the segments of our Lives and of our Selves that we feel are undesirable. This is the major single cause of mental and psychosomatic illness. Denial is like lying to ourselves. 

Let’s conduct a small exercise. I want you grab some paper and a pen (if you keep a Journal which I recommend you so – use that). Now I want you to ask yourself “What is it in my Life That I am Not Facing?”

Write down all the ideas, thoughts and feelings that go running through your head as you contemplate this.

Now sit back, read and interrogate what you have written. Are you ready to discover what it is in Life that is holding you back? Are you ready to accept that most of it is probably, most likely, to be YOU? Are you willing to take the required steps to address this – to become an agent of change?

It takes Courage to face your self-doubts, uneasiness and fears. But the only solution is to face them head on. Stop procrastinating. Move towards resolving your self-doubts, uneasiness and fears and you will be unstoppable.

Regular contributor John Ryan borrows from Osho (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) to talk about 'friendliness'

So far on this Blog site we’ve talked about being authentic, discovering your core values, sharing important and meaningful issues with other Men, and accepting heartfelt challenge.

One question that keep arising in all this is about the nature of friendships and more importantly:

What is real, authentic friendliness?

According to regular Becoming Better Men contributor John Ryan, this is a somewhat complex and difficult question to answer. From John’s perspective, we need understand a few other things first before we can understand what real authentic friendliness is.

The first is friendship – or more precisely, the distinction between friendship and friendliness.

According to John, friendship is love without any physiological/sexual underpinning to it. But de draws a distinction even here – asserting that it is not the friendship that you understand ordinarily — the boyfriend, the girlfriend type friendship. For as John argues; to use the word friend in any way associated with physiology/sexuality is sheer stupidity. This is more about impulse and infatuation than it is about friendship.

John points out that if you act in friendship from this physiological/sexual space and reach the conclusion that you are in love - you are wrong. All you are experiencing is little more than a hormonal attraction. And the important factor here is that your chemistry can be changed and when this happens, this superficial hormonal experience that you have chosen to identify as love will also disappear.

So to reiterate, John says that friendship is love without any physiological/sexual underpinning to it – and this has become a rare phenomenon.

Too often in today’s world friendship is understood either in physiological/sexual terms, economic terms, or in sociological terms — or in terms of acquaintance, a kind of acquaintance. But John asserts that friendship in a true sense means that if the need arises you will be ready even to sacrifice yourself in the name of friendship. Friendship means that you are willing to make somebody else more important than yourself. In this sense, friendship is not a transaction, an exchange of bodily fluids or a communal relationship - it is love in its purity.

And achieving true friendship is possible even the way you are now. Even unconscious people can have such a friendship. And as you become more conscious of your being, true friendship starts turning into friendliness.

Friendliness has a wider connotation than friendship by itself. Friendship can be broken, the friend can turn into an enemy. That possibility remains intrinsic in the very fact of friendship.

For example, John reminds us of the Machiavellian idea: “Never tell anything to your friend which you would not be able to say to your enemy, because the person who is a friend today may turn into an enemy tomorrow”. He also reverses this to suggest that we should never say anything against our enemy, because our enemy can equally turn into a friend tomorrow.

From John’s perspective, Machiavelli is giving us a very clear insight: that our ordinary love can change into hate, our friendship can become enmity any moment. This is the unconscious state of man — where love is hiding hate just behind it, where you can hate the same person you love but not be aware of it.

Friendliness becomes possible only when you are real, you are authentic, and you are absolutely aware of your being. When you are in this space and love arises, it will be friendliness.

So back to the original question: “What is real authentic friendliness?”

It will need a great transformation in you to receive a taste of authentic friendliness. As you are, friendliness is a faraway star. You can have a look at the faraway star, you can have a certain intellectual understanding of its extistence; but it will remain only an intellectual understanding, not an existential taste.

And according to John, unless you have an existential taste of friendliness it will be very difficult, almost impossible, to make a distinction between friendship and friendliness. Friendliness is the purest thing you can conceive about love. It is so pure that you cannot even call it a flower, you can only call it a fragrance which you can feel, sense and experience - but you cannot catch hold of. It is there, your nostrils are full of it, your being is surrounded by it. You feel the vibe, but there is no way to catch hold of it; the experience is so big and so vast and your hands are too small.

As John stated at the outset: the question is very complex. But this not because of the question itself, but because of you. You are not yet at the point from where friendliness can become an experience. Be real, be authentic and you will know the purest quality of love — just a fragrance of love surrounding you always. And that quality of the purest love is friendliness.

Once Gautam Buddha was asked, “Does the enlightened man have friends?” and he said, “No.” The questioner was shocked because he was thinking the man who is enlightened must have the whole world as his friend. But Gautam Buddha is right, because the enlightened man cannot have friends because he cannot have enemies. They both come together.

Friendliness is unfocused, unaddressed love. It is not any contract, spoken or unspoken. It is not from one individual to another individual; it is from one individual to the whole of existence, of which man is only a small part, because trees are included, animals are included, rivers are included, mountains are included, stars are included. Everything is included in friendliness.

OUR CHOICES: THEY CAN HAVE UNLIMITED POTENTIAL OR THEY CAN TIE US DOWN

[By Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

As we have discussed before on this Blog site, we all wear a Mask. We wear our Mask every time we communicate with those around us – even those closest to us: our partners and loved ones.

Generally our Mask is made up of our life experiences, our education and our upbringing; and it exists as a representation of how these three factors have shaped our perception of life.

We use our Mask to communicate to the world around us, to radiate a misconception of who we truly are and as such; our Mask becomes our primary excuse for avoiding our responsibilities and not fulfilling our purpose in this life. It becomes something we hide behind.

What would it be like if we could remove our Masks? What would it be like if we could communicate as men from the heart in an inspired way?

Let us look at this a little deeper by asking ourselves; “how can we be truly Authentic?”

The true answer to this can be a little disheartening; we can never be truly authentic – it is an unattainable goal.

However, we can pursue a path that enables us to become more and more Authentic in our Life; to strive for personal growth, to expand our horizons of experience and knowledge, and to aim at becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be.  

But we need to learn how to remove our Mask/s and wear only ourselves so that this becomes the representation of who we are in the world. If we do this, then our ‘True Face’, used in the correct way, can become a powerful tool that we can use to communicate with others, experience massive growth potential and fulfil our own life’s purpose. In this sense, our True Face becomes our primary vehicle of expression.

But even if we are wearing our True Face, our growth and who we continue to be is still determined by our experiences, education and perception of life. In this sense, even our own True Face can become a Mask: a static and false representation of who we are.

Look around you at the most authentic men you know – even they sometimes get caught up in the notion that their True Face is their the sole expression of who they are and that all that they can ever be is stated in that fixed image in time. In other words, even the best of us fall into the trap of allowing our projected selves to be expressed through the misrepresentation of a Mask.

So as much as we strive for authenticity, we must always be aware that if we do not keep ourselves in check, we may only be discarding one set of Masks for another. Therefore, in our eternal quest to be as authentic as we can be; we need to remain vigilant and be aware that the pathway to being authentic is not as straight, narrow and illuminated as we might like it to be.

Our biggest challenge in our quest to be as authentic as we can be is that with every step we take we have CHOICES. This is what sets us apart from all other living things – that as humans we understand consequence and can make choices in relation to those potential consequences. And as much as having the ability to make consequential choices is something that we should embrace as a gift, we should never forget that this gift can limit our possibilities too.

One Men’s Group facilitator I spent time with a while back used to tell us that “Awareness gave us Choice, and this was a great and powerful thing”. In many ways he is right. If we lose our Masks and allow ourselves to masters of our own destiny (in other words, if we become aware) then it stands to reason that we can now make sensible and informed choices about our growth potential – our pathway to becoming our most authentic selves.

The only problem with this position is that it relies on the assumption that in our state of ‘awareness’, we will always make sensible and powerful choices – the right choices. And here lies the problem. Do you see it?

With every choice we make there is a different consequence – and each consequence requires a different response. And how have we always responded to the consequences of our choices in the past? By putting on our Masks.

I’m sorry – the road to becoming as authentic as you can be was never meant to be easy and anyone who tells you it is is misguided themselves.

But while the road is not smooth, straight, narrow and sign-posted; it is not impossible to follow either. We can make choices and still wear our True Face – we just have to constantly reflect upon ourselves and the choices we make; and we should always look to those around us who offer to support us through heartfelt challenge.

In summary, we need to know that:

• Our choices can and do provide new opportunities for growth and change;
• But those same choices can also limit our opportunities for growth and change;
• However, it is not our choices that limit us but rather, the way we respond to them or apply them to our daily lives;
• If we express our choices with our True Face on, the potential for growth and change is limitless;
• If we express our choices behind the façade of a Mask, we inhibit our potential;
• The ultimate choice we have in making our choices is deciding whether we proceed wearing our True Face or a Mask.

Here is a simple rule to help guide you:

Anything expressed through a Mask is superficial

Anything expressed wearing our True Face is sincere, honest, heartfelt and has unlimited potential.

And you do want to make choices that are sincere, honest, heartfelt and have unlimited potential don’t you?

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095. Alternatively, subscribe to our Blog and post a comment.

12 GREAT PRINCIPLES TO ADD TO YOUR LIFE

[By Becoming Better Men contributors Dr. Craig Ashcroft, John Ryan and Garth Clarricoats]

As promised, this post provides examples of some great principles to add to your life to help you on your journey of growth.

We recommend that you incorporate these principles into your everyday life and document any changes you experience in a journal that can become a testimony to your growth and change.

1. Appreciate the positive qualities of the Masculine. It is time for you to step up and claim the right to be present. You should be proud to be a man and you should always maintain a high self worth that is not limited by what others may think or by why you perceive others may think.

2. Be aware of any suppression of your emotion. Be determined to drive yourself beyond your limits while maintaining realistic expectations that encourage you towards success. It’s time to let go of the shackles of fear, failure and inadequacy.

3. Be present with other Men who are going through life challenges. Get in touch with your feelings and develop your ability to communicate. Do not be afraid to express your needs and always be open to asking others for assistance. Accept Heartfelt Challenges from those around you and use those challenges to advance your cause.

4. Open yourself up in times of challenge and confrontation or when you are feeling hurt or upset. Let go of your insecurities, shame and self-doubts. Accept that there is no need to hide anymore.

5. Begin looking deeper within yourself and be willing to show and share intense emotions. Learn how to manage your anger and frustration in healthy ways without loss of power or sense of being weak.

6. Become Authentic!!! Uncover your sense of purpose and direction and develop your passion, fulfilment, satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. You can do this just by being you.

7. Stop feeling threatened or intimidated when confronted by the Feminine. Learn how to mutually respect, appreciate and celebrate the differences that femininity presents.

8. Empower yourself as a Man, engage actively in relationships, stand firm in disagreements, and engage in an open, non-competitive, non-threatening manner to seek mutual understanding and connection.

9. Discover the Sacredness in Sexuality. Learn how to open your heart to an expanded state of consciousness, a deep meaningful connection, and learn how to circulate the energy created there.

10. Develop your playfulness and humour, laugh at yourself, laugh out loud, lark around, tell a joke and enjoy life in all its frivolity.

11. Remember your innate ability to “Tinker” and start a project that has no tangible productive output.

12. Unveil the Power of the Masculine, that Raw Masculine energy, The Wild Man, The Savage and unleash it in Sport, Drumming, Sound, Posture and Movement.

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095. Alternatively, subscribe to our Blog and post a comment.

MEN GROW THROUGH HEARTFELT CHALLENGE

[By Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

Part of the philosophy we have at Becoming Better Men is about achieving positive growth on the journey to becoming an Authentic Man.

Past articles on our Blog have talked about purpose, presence and the importance of values in our lives. At Becoming Better Men we believe that the first steps towards achieving a pathway to Authenticity include:

• Taking responsibility for ourselves and the consequences of our actions, words and thoughts;
• Understanding true masculinity and learning how to be present as a Man;
• Constantly redefining and pursuing our own life’s purpose and directing our precious energies in that endeavour;
• Networking with other men and openly talking about quality life issues;
• Playing an active and positive role in empowering our communities.

In the next Post I will talk about some great principles that you can add to your life to help facilitate positive growth and change. These principles, used in conjunction with some of the information you’ve already read on this Blog, will really help ‘kick start’ your journey towards being an Authentic Man.

However, today I want to focus on one of the most critical tools for change you are ever likely to encounter:

HEARTFELT CHALLENGE.

“It is a heartfelt challenge to awaken to your True Identity which is more wonderful than any of us can imagine, easier to see than anything in the world, and the paradigm of sanity and health” (D. Harding, 1998).

In his first letter, the Apostle Peter sent a Heartfelt Challenge to remind hard-pressed Christians of their rich identities in Christ, and to encourage them to face their sufferings with ‘Christlike’ character.

Now you don’t have to be a Christian or have Christian ideals to appreciate the sentiment expressed by Peter in his letter. A Heartfelt Challenge is one given in love and sincerity with the intent to help facilitate growth and purpose.

It is a challenge given by someone who wants to help you become the best version of yourself that you can be.

And the important thing about a Heartfelt Challenge is that, as is evident by Apostle Peter’s example, you know that the person making it would willingly walk the same path with you should you accept their challenge.

This is important because if we look back on our lives we, as Men, know that our biggest moments of growth occurred at a time when we were challenged to the very core of our existence – pushed to the very edge of our ‘comfort zone’. The death of a loved one, a personal crisis, the experience of living through a natural disaster, the loss of a career or business – these types of events often lead to the biggest and most dramatic changes in our lives and it is often from these changes that we undergo our most significant moments of growth.

A Heartfelt Challenge provides the same possibility but in a supported and encouraged way. A Heartfelt Challenge should still see you pushed to your ‘edge’, making you step outside your ‘comfort zone’ to face new and often frightening possibilities (opportunities). The difference is that you face the challenge knowing that you are not alone – that someone has cared enough about you to commit to walking alongside you and sharing in your growth experience. History has shown that Men respond in powerful and meaningful ways when confronted with a Heartfelt Challenge.

REMEMBER: MEN GROW THROUGH HEARTFELT CHALLENGE

So how should we respond when given the opportunity of a Heartfelt Challenge?

Here are some basic tenets:

• See every challenge in life as an opportunity to grow;
• Have the courage to face your fears;
• Become a Master of change;
• Praise, inspire, and act from strength firmly focused in the Heart;
• Have an open mind and be responsible for your words, thoughts and actions;
• Be aware that our perception is limited and that there are always greater possibilities waiting to be claimed;
• Be kind to yourself, smile, and re connect to life;
• Know that your life is your creation.

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095. Alternatively, subscribe to our Blog and post a comment.

Angry Men: relationships, Child Support and our responsibility

[Some thoughts formulated by Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

With ever increasing statistics of family violence, male suicide, child abuse, crime, and alcohol and drug addiction in our communities; society is in a constant upheaval and our families and children suffer.

From a male perspective, and accounting for the significant role men play in facilitating these various problems, it is evident that society needs an approach that deals with the real issues that men face in their world today:-

• Men have had little or no positive role models;
• Children are growing up in ‘Fatherless’ societies;
• Men are generally unlikely to deal with personal issues until they reach a crisis point;
• Networking amongst men is quite low when compared to women;
• Long term involvement in programs is rare for Men, and when the ‘crisis’ is able to be handled they leave (or are excluded);
• Understanding and expressing emotions in a constructive way is generally a foreign concept to most men.

The Men’s Movement for change is a relatively new phenomenon in our world when compared to the maturity of the established global Women’s movement. This has created an unintentionally unbalanced and unhealthy view of society’s problematic issues as they pertain to the role of Men - and this has resulted in a universal response that, until very recently, painted a generalised deficit model of the role of the masculine in society.

Fortunately there is genuine drive for change in the air that presents a more balanced and fairer outlook for Men in the future. For example, Domestic Violence has now become Family Violence in an attempt to address the stereotypical gender bias that has always assumed the perpetrators to be male and that the victims female.

Nevertheless there are areas that still need addressing. For example, child shared care arrangements is an increasing occurrence that must be seen as being beneficial for both parents and children alike. But we still have a long way to go as many fathers continue to believe that they remain disadvantaged in terms of the contact they are able to have with their children after separation, and by their ability to financially support themselves and their children in a positive way.

Part of this financial hardship is due to the uncompromising and generally punitive way Child Support payments are calculated. In most cases these calculations do not account for the Father’s:

• current living situation and other commitments he has;
• informal financial commitment to his children for whom the calculations are made;
• access to those children and the time he is able to commit and spend with them; and
• love for his children.

Further, in countries like New Zealand, the agency responsible for calculating and collecting Child Support Payments, namely Inland Revenue, continues to have gender biased policies that disfavour the father regardless of whether he is the liable parent (the one who pays Child Support) or the custodial parent (the one receiving the Child Support).

The resulting consequence of this has been the emergence of “Angry Father’s” groups that seek to advocate a fair and just change to the system but instead, paint an unintentional image of Men seeking to avoid their obligations and commitments (which we know isn’t the case at all).

But it is one thing to recognise a problem and establish “Angry Father’s” groups to help scream and yell for the need for the ‘system’ to change; but it’s another thing to actually do something positive yourself towards creating that change.

The first step towards this notion of positive change is to recognise and accept your own role in the equation:

• Men need to improve their communication skills. It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to tell us that communication between Men and Women in today’s world is as much in its infancy as it has ever been. We all know that communication is one of the primary causes of modern relationship breakdowns. And Men – you are one half of that equation!
• Men need to refrain from allowing their children to be used as pawns in the power struggle around their relationship breakdown. Too often I hear Men say that it’s the Women who use the children in this way. Again, it doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to explain that it takes two opposing sides to create a power struggle. So even if you are right (and I’m not saying that you are), for a struggle to exist - you have to have chosen to engage in it.
• Men need to also learn to ‘hear’ the other side – the feminine perspective. Men and Women are different and these differences become no more apparent than when we are in conflict with each other. Our conflicts are communicated in two completely different narratives: His and Hers. And as much as I would like to extend a call out to all the Women out there to stop and actually ‘listen’ to your Man’s narrative, you Men are just as responsible for being deaf to the other voice.

So, in summary, the world may not be as balanced and as fair as we Men sometimes wish it should be. But is that about reality or perception?

And how do we, as Men, create change?

For starters, you can take up today’s heartfelt challenge:

Take responsibility for yourself and for the consequences of your actions, words and thoughts (as you cannot be responsible for the actions, words and thoughts of somebody else).

For further information or an opportunity to contribute/participate in our Group’s activities, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095.