TO TRUST OR NOT TO TRUST: HOW MEN'S GROUPS CAN LET US DOWN

[By Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

Trust. You know when you have it; you know when you don't.

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the notion of trust this week. I know for me how fragile the notion of trust can be. I participate in men’s groups. I’ve seen the obstacles men face in developing trusting relationships in all situations but especially with other men. These obstacles come in all shapes and sizes. But what they have in common is their power to keep men stuck…right where they are.

Sadly, while I appreciate that the key to getting unstuck, to becoming a better man, is to find a way through these obstacles of trust; I also find it  hard to watch men who struggle with trust issues go seeking help in men’s groups that choose to operate in a deceitful and untrustable way. Too often men’s groups are the platform for private agendas, personal egos and political opportunism and these things all contribute to an untrustworthy experience for the individual.

For example, one men’s group I was involved with for a time was led by an individual whose sole driver was to grow his group at any cost. In order to achieve this, he would constantly compromise the very values and principles the group had been founded on. In the end his entire approach created a cultish-like environment whereby the only trust that could be experienced was that which he gave out or took away. In other words, there was no trust that could be sanctioned within the group without his consent – anything else was decried as “dissention” and “untrustworthiness”.

The three things I remember most about that group today is the size of the leader’s ego and how that eclipsed everything and everyone else there, the ease at which the group itself would cut off members who were deemed unsuitable (as determined by their leader), and that upon leaving the group I felt less trusting of others than I had when I went into it.

So I can appreciate that some of you may have already dismissed this notion of men needing to form trusting relationships with other men. It’s difficult to see the need you may have for something you have never seen, experienced, or valued. How can you be expected to appreciate the benefits of something that our society has relegated to the shadow for generations?

So can you find trust in a men’s group today? Probably not…

At least not in the way it should exist. There will always be an ego, someone will always want to dominate with their own private agenda, and there will always be political jostling for some kind of perceived better position within the group (who sits beside who, who gets to facilitate, who’s in charge of the door – all those important things that make some men feel ‘special’).

Personally, I can’t be bothered with any of that. When I go to a men’s group I go there because I want to find like-minded men focused on self-improvement, growth potential, authenticity and purpose. And I don’t think that that’s a hard ask.

Nevertheless, it only takes one: one ego, one agenda, one self-sanctioned opportunist; and the whole trust environment gets broken.

So there you have it…. the true challenge. Are you trustable? How do you know that you’re trustable? Would other men trust you? Do you trust yourself?

If you think you are a man of trust and integrity and you want to sit alongside other men who share those same values, subscribe to our Blog and, if you are lucky enough to live in New Plymouth, join us for a meeting sometime. We’d love to meet you.