VALUES ARE IMPORTANT TO BE A BETTER MAN

John Ryan, founding member of the Savita Education Trust and mentor to Becoming Better Men writes:

“Everyone thinks their problems are worse than others but in reality, we’re all facing the same one; How to be more conscious at any given moment.”

 
“Through unconsciousness we allow ourselves to be institutionalised and programmed in many ways that are against our nature. This creates a continuous conflict between our primal energies and the ideas we have about who we are."

"In a group situation remaining continuous with the group, remaining grounded in one’s own nature, and becoming Heart Centred can be summed up as being Present.”

John reminds us to be aware of our everyday struggles in life:

"Know you are not beyond pettiness, beyond jealousy, beyond greed, beyond anger. But be careful about how you choose to struggle against these traits. Struggle blindly with your pettiness and you will remain petty; if you start struggling against your jealousy, you will remain jealous.”

"A man's capacity to receive another man's direct criticism is a measure of his capacity to receive masculine energy."

“An ancient proverb warns us: Always choose your enemy carefully — because you will be fighting with him, and in fighting you will become just like the enemy because you will have to use the same methods, the same means.”

Finally, John wants us all to look into our hearts, learn from our experiences and live by values that have meaning to us. From his own experiences working in Men’s Groups, John suggests the following as a begin point:

• Be tuned into the group consciousness
• Keep the room ‘open’ not ‘closed’
• Be ‘present’ at all times – honestly present
• Speak or contribute from genuine, real experience – not theory, concept or “I knew someone who…”
• If you are asked to facilitate a group – be ‘centred’ as well as present.

For further information, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095.

TO TRUST OR NOT TO TRUST: HOW MEN'S GROUPS CAN LET US DOWN

[By Becoming Better Men contributor Dr. Craig Ashcroft]

Trust. You know when you have it; you know when you don't.

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the notion of trust this week. I know for me how fragile the notion of trust can be. I participate in men’s groups. I’ve seen the obstacles men face in developing trusting relationships in all situations but especially with other men. These obstacles come in all shapes and sizes. But what they have in common is their power to keep men stuck…right where they are.

Sadly, while I appreciate that the key to getting unstuck, to becoming a better man, is to find a way through these obstacles of trust; I also find it  hard to watch men who struggle with trust issues go seeking help in men’s groups that choose to operate in a deceitful and untrustable way. Too often men’s groups are the platform for private agendas, personal egos and political opportunism and these things all contribute to an untrustworthy experience for the individual.

For example, one men’s group I was involved with for a time was led by an individual whose sole driver was to grow his group at any cost. In order to achieve this, he would constantly compromise the very values and principles the group had been founded on. In the end his entire approach created a cultish-like environment whereby the only trust that could be experienced was that which he gave out or took away. In other words, there was no trust that could be sanctioned within the group without his consent – anything else was decried as “dissention” and “untrustworthiness”.

The three things I remember most about that group today is the size of the leader’s ego and how that eclipsed everything and everyone else there, the ease at which the group itself would cut off members who were deemed unsuitable (as determined by their leader), and that upon leaving the group I felt less trusting of others than I had when I went into it.

So I can appreciate that some of you may have already dismissed this notion of men needing to form trusting relationships with other men. It’s difficult to see the need you may have for something you have never seen, experienced, or valued. How can you be expected to appreciate the benefits of something that our society has relegated to the shadow for generations?

So can you find trust in a men’s group today? Probably not…

At least not in the way it should exist. There will always be an ego, someone will always want to dominate with their own private agenda, and there will always be political jostling for some kind of perceived better position within the group (who sits beside who, who gets to facilitate, who’s in charge of the door – all those important things that make some men feel ‘special’).

Personally, I can’t be bothered with any of that. When I go to a men’s group I go there because I want to find like-minded men focused on self-improvement, growth potential, authenticity and purpose. And I don’t think that that’s a hard ask.

Nevertheless, it only takes one: one ego, one agenda, one self-sanctioned opportunist; and the whole trust environment gets broken.

So there you have it…. the true challenge. Are you trustable? How do you know that you’re trustable? Would other men trust you? Do you trust yourself?

If you think you are a man of trust and integrity and you want to sit alongside other men who share those same values, subscribe to our Blog and, if you are lucky enough to live in New Plymouth, join us for a meeting sometime. We’d love to meet you.

COME AND FACE THE CHALLENGE... YOUR CHALLENGE

This Thursday 13 October New Plymouth’s ‘Becoming Better Men’ support and growth group will meet at the Taranaki Disability Information Centre on Young Street in New Plymouth between 7.15pm and 9.00pm. This week’s meeting will be facilitated by Garth Clarricoats.

‘Becoming Better Men’ is a simple yet challenging idea. It is about overcoming loneliness or isolation – the consequences of experiencing depression, loss, a relationship breakdown or so many other possibilities – and finding positive ways to grow.

It’s a challenge – but achieving real growth is always a challenge. We invite you to accept our challenge – join us this Thursday.

In the mean time, this is what personal life coach David Bohl says about “Accepting Your Challenges”.

One of the great keys to personal growth in this life is the ability to face challenges and meet them head-on. Easier said than done, because facing and meeting challenges involves overcoming fear - fear of embarrassment, or fear of failure.

The purpose of challenge is to give you greater experiences and to broaden your perspective. We become pigeon-holed into one way of thinking without having our beliefs challenged.

Challenge plays an extremely important role when it comes to character. Character is not necessarily created by facing challenges, but rather it is revealed by them. We may be completely unaware of our own character until met with seemingly daunting obstacles. It is the manner in which we deal with them that reveals our true inner self.

There are several things you can do to help yourself deal with challenges more calmly. Essentially you need to open yourself up to new possibilities, new experiences, whether you think you are ready for them or not.

1. Allow Yourself to Publicly Succeed Brilliantly or Fail Miserably. The key to this one is "publicly." Allow others to know what your goals are. Accept responsibilities that put you centre stage. Chances are you will only highlight your talent, making it obvious to everyone around you.

2. Work With New People. Nothing leads to personal growth more than working with strangers, especially those outside of your normal professional or social circles. You build your social skills, learning how to interact with people who have new - and possibly very different - beliefs, attitudes, and experiences. There is nothing like getting to know someone from a completely different walk of life to open up your mind and introduce you to a new perspective.

3. Take Charge. Rather than just be a member of a group - either a social group or a committee at work - volunteer to lead the group. If you have never led people before, it will be an eye-opening experience. Avail yourself to the challenge and grasp the opportunity to demonstrate your skill. This is an excellent exercise in learning you can never please everyone - a lesson that can be carried over into other aspects of your life.

4. Seek Variety. It is very easy to become lulled into a routine, or even an outright rut. When our routine becomes embedded, the learning process comes to a screeching halt. Actively seek out new experiences, even the ones that might frighten you. They say variety is the spice of life, and it truly is. It is what makes life interesting, entertaining, and fun.

Every challenge you meet and overcome makes you more confident and builds upon your own personal experiences in this crazy world. Experiences keep you grounded and make you a more well-rounded individual. You can use challenges to continue your pursuits of personal growth, or to meet your goals at work.

Accepting new challenges can lead you to the promotion you have been wanting, to the raise you need, or to personal adventure. Meeting a challenge may even mean forming, or strengthening, your most intimate relationships. Once you learn to accept your challenges as an opportunity rather than a chore, you will understand just how beneficial they can be.

WE LIVE IN A MOMENT IN TIME

[By Becoming Better Men contributor Garth Clarricoats]

“We Live in a moment in time” is the theme of tomorrow night’s meeting of New Plymouth’s Becoming Better Men group.

Becoming Better Men is a group for all Men regardless of background, faith, ethnicity or culture who experience loneliness or isolation as a result of a personal crisis, relationship problems, family violence, depression, bullying, loss and so on. The only condition of membership is that you don’t want to be in that space any more – that you want to grow and learn how to be a BETTER MAN.

Tomorrow night's meeting (Thursday 29 September) will be held at the Taranaki Disability Information Centre on Young Street
in New Plymouth between 7.15pm and 9.00pm. The meeting will be facilitated by Garth Clarricoats.

Garth has this to say:

We live in a moment in time.

In the past there have been many such moments in time. In the future there will be many more...

And there is this one – this moment in time

Do we use this moment in time to reflect on the past?

Or do we use it to dream of the future?

Because; when this moment in time is done; it is gone. We will not have this moment again.

How will you use this Moment in Time

knowing that, in just a moment, it will be gone forever?

Come join us tomorrow night – bring a friend – everyone is welcome.

For further information, phone/text Garth on 021512628 or Craig on 0275020095.

See you there.

URGENT: WRONG DATE GIVEN FOR NEXT MEETING

Okay, so computers and technology still have their vulnerabilites - that is, they are as accurate (or perhaps I should say 'inaccurate') as the person driving them.

Yes, I made an error in the last post re the date of the Group's next meeting which is:

29 September 2011.

Yes, our next meeting will take place on September 29 (not September 22 as previously advertised) at the Taranaki Disability Information Centre (Young Street, New Plymouth) between 7.15 and 9.00pm.

The group is for all Men regardless of background, faith, ethnicity, culture etc - but especially those who have experienced relationship problems, family violence, depression, loneliness, bullying, loss; or those who are simply looking for fellowship and support in a growth environment. 

Do you have what it takes? 

Are you a Real Man?

Then we look forward to seeing you there!

 

For further information contact either Garth at 021512628 or Craig at 0275020095.

All are welcome and we encourage you to bring a friend.

NO MASKS AT THIS MEETING

It was great to hear and share the heartfelt experiences of Men in such an open and present way as we did last night. It's good to see that Men can arrive at the venue and leave their 'Masks' outside.

And I'm sure if you passed by the Taranaki Disability Information Centre in New Plymouth this morning you might have seen some of those discarded Masks still there... forgotten and never to be worn again.

Okay, so I'm not talking about real Masks - these discarded masks are the symbolic ones that Men wear as discussed in the previous two posts on this Blog site:

 
MEN AND THE MASKS THEY WEAR and THE MASKED MAN.

The point is that the Men who come and share their experiences at the group are creating a space for themselves to achieve incredible growth potential as they begin their own personal journeys towards self-discovery and authenticity.


I am often reminded of Marlon Brando's (The Godfather, Superman) famous quote:

"Any guy can become an actor. It takes a real man to quit". 

MEN AND THE MASKS THEY WEAR: Are we all Superheroes?

Behold we are all superheroes!!!

I believe it because wherever I look I see people wearing masks to hide their true identity – and that’s just like a superhero.

Okay, so maybe we aren’t all superheroes - so why do we feel so compelled to wear masks?

Well, there can be various reasons why people wear masks. For most of us, it is the fear that other people - mainly our friends - will reject the real person behind the mask.

Some of us wear masks to hide hurt, low self-esteem, or anger.

So why do you wear yours???

This week we want you to spend some time exploring why people wear masks. What are they afraid of? Does wearing a mask keep them from being hurt? Does it truly raise their self-esteem or keep them from being angry?

If you are wearing a mask to keep from being hurt or to hide anger, let’s see if you can you find healthier, positive and more open ways to let go of that hurt or anger. Maybe you could talk to someone you trust, write down your feelings in a journal, pray or meditate, write a poem. Perhaps you could combine a number of these suggestions. There is no right way; but it is definitely worth finding out what works for you… and keep doing it!

This week on Thursday evening (8^th August, 2011) at the Taranaki Disability Information Centre on

Young Street, New Plymouth; we’re going to be talking about Men and the Masks they wear. Why don’t you come along – and bring a friend. We start at 7.15pm and finish at 9pm.

For those who cannot attend, here are some thoughts about the Masks Men wear:

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO IF YOU HAD NO MASK

Can you remember a time when you were younger and when you didn't wear a mask? What were you like then? Many people struggle with the mask of being a follower and doing what other people want them to do, rather than being themselves.

What do you really like to do? Are there certain hobbies/sports/activities that you really like? Rediscover these.

“When I was fifteen I learned how to play the guitar. By the time I was seventeen I was playing in a band. I played every day for the next five years or so… until I met my wife to be. Soon after, as my masks became heavier as my life became more ‘responsible’, I found I was wearing so many masks I forgot who I was underneath. Needless to say, I didn’t play the guitar again for almost 15 years.

Today I’ve managed to cast most of my Masks aside and guess what, I’m playing my guitar again – every day. It’s great to be free.” – Craig.

  

If you are not sure what might grab you, you might want to begin experimenting with healthy and fun activities that sound interesting to you. Join a club, play a sport, volunteer for a charitable organisation - all of these are great ways to meet new people, develop new interests, and rediscover who you really are. Even if certain people may not consider these activities "cool", all that really matters is that you like them.

IT’LL BE GREAT TO REMOVE YOUR MASKS – BUT REMOVE THEM SLOWLY

If you hang out with people who wear masks, walking away suddenly could be a shock to your system as well as theirs. However, if you recognise that you have been wearing masks and realise that you can't completely be yourself around these so-called friends, hopefully you'll desire less and less to be with such people.

Go and start finding friends who let you be yourself, even if they aren't the coolest people in the world.  If they accept you completely, they are the coolest friends you can have (and I bet you won’t find a single mask amongst them).

But while you will find it easy to befriend like-minded people who choose not to wear masks, you shouldn’t completely disregard your old friends. Rather, start to be more honest with them. If they exclude you when you try to be yourself, that's their problem.

Never throw a good friendship away if it can be saved. An authentic man will persist with his old friends while continually trying to be mask-free in their presence. Remember that many people, even your old friends, struggle with letting go of the masks they wear.

Sometimes all it takes is for one person to be honest about it, and that allows the whole group to start to make changes.